


Arrangement in a contract

by Writelikethat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anger, Angst, Blow Jobs, Drinking, Feelings, Fights, Friendship, Hurt Castiel, Kissing, M/M, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Rich Dean, Swearing, Tension, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-10 10:49:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 47,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5582830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writelikethat/pseuds/Writelikethat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is forced to get married in order to inherit money and earn his place in the company. Cas is an old friend - only, they aren't as close anymore. Everybody thinks it will work out, except nothing is as it once was... <br/>Will the happy couple be able to keep up appearances or will they fall?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shake the tension

Cas let his head rest against the cool window and watched the city run by outside the car. He was quiet and the only sound breaking the silence was soft music playing on the stereo and the barely-there sound of someone clicking on a tablet. It had been a long night with lots of people, and that meant fake smiles and forced closeness to the one person Cas worked hard to not even stay in the same room for more than five minutes at most. 

Car rides like this were one of the few times where they had to be close, but most of the time they didn’t talk or even look at each other. For Cas it had been a long time since he actually looked at his husband, and he was sure the same went the other way around. 

Cas had been married to Dean for two and a half years. It had all been arranged by their parents. Dean was about to inherit the fortune of the Winchesters and he needed to be married to get it all in order. Cas was the son of John’s secretary and had known Dean almost all of his life. They used to play together when they were kids, but when they became teenagers they couldn’t keep that up since Dean got obligations, he wanted to be seen with the rich and cool kids while Cas was still in a public high school and with a mother that earned just enough money to get by. 

Cas wasn’t mad about that. He always liked Dean, and for a while they still met each other from time to time. Dean changed, though, and maybe Cas did too and they didn’t meet again until John had asked them both to meet at his office. Dean, predictably, had not been happy about it. He was at the top of the world, he had cool friends and he got all the ladies as well as the men he wanted. Cas was not any of that, he had just gotten a job and he only had a few close friends. Still, after a week Dean had agreed to the arrangement because John was convinced it could work. They already knew each other after all, and a contract was made. 

Their wedding had been private and only with the closest family and just a handful of friends who was let in on the arrangement. After that they left for a honeymoon and Cas only remembered a lot of reading and sleeping from that trip. It had been hot, but they had spent the time making up a plan for how to make this 'marriage' work. The rest of the time they spent doing their own things. Cas had thought maybe they would spend some time together, to try and get to know each other again, but Dean had been distant and business-like so Cas just kept his distance. 

Only now, two and a half years later Cas was tired and sad. He thought he could be happy and eventually make it work. Dean had assured him he got everything he needed; Cas could do whatever he wanted. He had a job at a library, he could go out with friends and even take a lover, and god knows how many of those Dean had over the years. And even if Cas knew to begin with that this was an arrangement more than a marriage, he felt that little sting every time Dean ignored him, but still insisted he came to events for charity or parties at his office to maintain the image of a working relationship. 

Cas felt crowded and yet so closed off from life. When he was younger he had been dreaming of a life where he could enjoy living. Now even getting out of bed sometimes felt like a struggle. Last fall Cas had fianlly decided he had enough money and had started on a degree in literature and he was soon heading into a period of exams and tests of his first year. Then he had another year and he had his degree. Afterwards he would be able to get a job at a college or university and that's what Cas was working hard towards. That's what kept him going. The thought of independence somewhere down the road. 

“You’re awfully quiet tonight.” Dean commented. His once warm and even tempting voice was now a bit flat and always cold. 

“So are you.” Cas answered and the silence fell in the car once again. 

 

Cas never believed Dean was into him or even wanted anything other than friendship from him and he was good with that. Cas on the other hand, always had some kind of a crush on the guy and that was maybe the main reason he had agreed to the arrangement. Sure, he didn’t get much say in the matter, but he had thought that maybe they could be together and have a great time like when they were younger. Being friends with Dean had always felt great, the guy had such positive energy. 

That never happened. Dean was distant ever since they got home from their ‘honeymoon’. He worked harder and barely even looked at Cas. Last year when his father died, Dean had been angry and even more distant. He didn’t come home for almost a month and Cas knew he was drinking more. That made him try and talk to the man, but Dean brushed him off even harsher than before and Cas crawled back into his shell. Since that they never talked unless Cas had to come with him to an event. 

Cas had known about this one for three weeks. He always got a heads up, as pointed out in the contract, and he was able to prepare himself mentally on having to be close to Dean for several hours. Dean always behaved like the perfect gentleman when they had to go to these things. He would hold the car door open, and when they walked inside he put a hand on Cas’ back. Dean got them both something to drink and engaged him in his conversations with others. As far as Cas knew nobody except his family and absolute closest friends, and the staff at their house knew that their relationship was nothing but a façade. 

No matter how sweet Dean treated him when people could see them it all changed the second they were back in the car. They shifted to sit as far apart as possible; they didn’t speak or look at each other. When they got home Dean headed for his room while Cas got into his own, stripped out of his suit and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. He walked barefoot into the kitchen with a book under his arm and started making a cup of tea. Cas always had trouble sleeping after a night like this and needed to find back to the quiet peace of his home. 

Dean's home felt safe most of the time. Cas liked it there even with all the tension and weird stuff between him and Dean. The kitchen was his space, the place he really felt at home. Cas loved cooking and baking. The room had a fireplace and big shelves that contained anything from spices, bits and bobs to cookbooks or some floppy copies of Cas’ favorite books. Dean rarely came in there and if he did he only picked up whatever the chef had made him for dinner and then headed back to his room or into the living room. Cas didn’t cook for Dean, he mostly just practiced his skill and brought stuff to work or invited over some of his friends. As far as Cas knew he doubted Dean even knew he could make food. They had a chef so why bother, right?

Cas turned on the radio and let the soothing music calm him down along with the sound of water boiling. He sat down on one of the tall chairs next to the island in the kitchen, pulled one foot up and rested his chin on his knee. He opened his book and absently rubbed the bookmark as he started reading. 

For a while he got lost in the book, and Cas felt his muscles starting to calm down after almost three hours of tension from having Dean’s arm around his waist. Dean’s arm was strong and warm around him and Cas was craving some comfort. No matter how little Dean would have cared if Cas found someone else to be with Cas never met anyone that made him really consider it. Besides he felt bad about cheating even if they weren’t really together.  
Cas poured hot water over the tea strainer and the smell of cinnamon and vanilla filled the air. He took a deep breath and walked back to the stool. Cas continued his reading with a hand ghosting around the cup to feel the heat. 

“Is this where you hang out in the middle of the night?” Dean’s voice was low and Cas gasped as he looked up. He had been far away in the book, surrounded by the soothing sounds of the kitchen and the warmth from his tea. Dean was there all of a sudden, leaning against the other side of the island. Cas hadn’t even heard him coming in and had no idea how long he had been there. It was unnerving

“Um, well, couldn’t sleep.” Cas answered quietly. 

“Yeah, me neither.” Dean offered and walked over to the fridge and after a while contemplating the content he came back and put a blueberry pie on the island. Cas had made that a few days before and he stared as Dean stabbed his fork into it and took a bite. Dean closed his eyes and let his head fall back, like he enjoyed it. Cas swallowed at the sight of that exposed neck. 

This was really unnatural behavior for the two of them so Cas lifted his cup and took a sip from the tea and tried to concentrate on the pages again. The tension that Cas had gotten rid of after coming back home was creeping in and settled between his shoulder blades. 

“God, this pie is good.” Dean said with his mouth full and if Cas wasn’t working so hard on breathing in and out at the correct pace he would have laughed. 

“You want some?” Dean continued and Cas looked up at him with wide eyes and shook his head. Dean held his eyes for a second longer than usual before he shrugged and went back to eating. 

Cas told himself to stop acting so silly and went back to his book again but he struggled with finding the paragraph he was just reading. He drank his tea and flipped the page in his book, but Dean was still there in the kitchen with him and Cas was hyperaware even if he appeared focused on his book. 

“Cas, I was going to talk to you in the morning but since you’re here…”

Cas felt his heart sink. Of course this wasn’t just a quiet weird night, Dean wanted something from him. His stomach made a painful jump but he put his book down to pay attention. 

“I have an interview on Thursday and they wanted me to bring you.”

Cas let out an unbelieving laugh, but Dean was still serious and didn’t look like he was making a joke. 

“It’s for a magazine, on my job, and they wanted to get your side of the story as well."

“I don’t have a story.”

“Course you do.” Dean said dismissively. 

Cas shook his head. He had been asked to come to interviews before but it had never happened and he had no intentions of this time either. 

“Sorry, I have work that day.”

“You work every day; surely you can get off for just a couple of hours.”

“No.” 

Dean narrowed his eyes. “No? Just like that?”

“Yes. I am not coming to some interview and you know that.”

“This isn’t up for discussion. I was hoping you would cooperate so I didn’t have to make you come.”

“You can’t make me do anything, Dean. I will not be there, so don’t expect me to.”

“We have been married for over two years now and you have never been to any interviews with me.”

“Yes, because I don’t have anything to do with your work, and other people don’t have anything to do with our life!” Cas insisted. 

“You have obligations in this relationship.”

“Yeah, for now.” He muttered

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean came closer and Cas let a hand run through his hair. Just the thought of having to go to sit down and talk about their non-existing relationship made Cas sweat under his arms and made his sight blurry, once again he was regretting ever agreeing to this stupid arrangement. 

“Come on, talk to me man!”

“I’ve got nothing more to say. If you make me I will be... going away.”

“No you won’t. You are coming with me to that interview, Cas.” Dean started to get angry and Cas swallowed standing in front of that. Knowing Dean had been drinking at the party didn't make the situation any better. He took a step back before he could stop himself. 

“Are you being difficult on purpose?”

“Why is it so important to you that I come with you? You always handle it well enough on your own.”

“Because people are starting to ask questions.”

Cas wanted to roll his eyes but instead he looked down and ran a hand through his hair again.

“I can’t help you with that.” Cas whispered.

“The hell if you can! Fuck you, Cas. You are living here in MY house, spending MY money and you can’t do anything in return?”

Cas felt like he was being slapped in the face, but the anger was burning inside. 

“I live in your house because I have to, and I am not spending your money, not even a penny. Tell me, what do you call what we did tonight, I’d say that was me doing something in return.”

“I don’t care what you call it. I am supporting you and if you don’t come with me to that interview I’m taking back that platinum card I gave you! You can kiss it good bye and on top of that you would have to come to my tv interview next month!” Dean hissed at him and threw Cas’ tea cup against one of the cabinets. It smashed to pieces with a heavy crash and the rest of his tea spilled onto the floor. 

Cas let out a surprised yelp, jumped at the action and sound of his cup shattering and he cursed loudly back to Dean. Dean dragged a hand over his face, looking a little surprised as he took a deep breath and turned around to leave. 

Cas whimpered in pain when he moved and realized he was standind barefoot on the pieces of the cup and now he was bleeding. He tried walking over to one of the stools but the smashed pieces was everywhere and the ones had already gotten in his feet just bared deeper. 

“Fuck, Cas.” Dean said and made a move to help him out. 

“Back off.” Cas spat at him. 

“You can’t walk like that. It’s everywhere.”

“Yeah, whose fault is that? Just leave me alone.” His voice broke at the end.

“And what are you going to do, crawl out of here?”

Cas stared at Dean like he actually considered it. Dean shook his head and was by his side in one step. Before Cas could say or do anything he was lifted up in Dean’s arms and carried towards the bathroom. 

“Will you let me down?” Cas said and couldn’t help but notice how easy Dean seemed to pick him up into his arms. 

“And let you stain the entire place with blood, I don’t think so.”

Cas sighed and couldn’t believe that his quiet night had turned into this kind of confusing hell. He tried to keep his distance even if he still was this close to Dean and when he was put down inside the bathroom Dean was careful to make him sit on the edge of the bathtub. Cas grabbed a towel and put it under his feet and started to get up. 

“Where are you going?”

“What are you still doing here?” Cas asked unable to meet Dean’s eyes. He searched in his drawer to find tweezers so he could pick out the pieces. 

“Cas, let me do that.”

“Don’t you dare touch me. You got your will, tell me what you want me to say at that interview and I’ll be there.” Cas resigned as he started to pick at some of the pieces and wished Dean would get out of there. 

“You don’t have to say anything but answer the questions they ask you.”

“Yeah, but what am I going to say about us?”

Dean shrugged his shoulders. “As close to the truth you get without telling them the arrangement. Come on, man, let me help you with that.”

Cas looked up then and met Dean’s eyes. “You’ve done enough.” Cas’ voice was quiet with anger and Dean made a disarming motion with his hands as he backed out of the room. 

Cas took a deep breath when he heard the door to Dean's room close, and if a single tear found its way down his cheek nobody knew. He concentrated on his bleeding feet again.


	2. What I know and What I feel

Cas woke up the next morning and limped down into the kitchen after a short shower. His feet were hurting and he had done his best to wrap something around his feet. Molly the chef stared at him for a long time as he sat down on his stool where his book still was open on the page he was reading last night. 

“Good morning, Cas. What can I get you?” 

“Just a coffee.” He said softly. Molly rolled her eyes but gave him his coffee. 

“Sorry about the mess you probably came in on this morning.” 

“Glad I was wearing shoes, yes.” She said and glanced down on Cas’ socket feet.

“I bet.” He smiled. 

After drinking his coffee he stepped into a pair of snickers and made his way to the library. He was the first one there and had already gotten the sign outside and arranged new books on display when Charlie burst through the doors all red hair and colorful clothes. 

“Morning, Cassie boy.” She chirped. 

“Good morning to you too.” He smiled, but it faltered fast when he noticed Charlie was staring at him. He turned his back to her. 

“What happened to you?”

“Didn’t sleep well, that’s all.”

Charlie disappeared into the staff room and Cas made sure to get busy with registering the books that had been delivered. It didn’t take long until soft classical music was coming from the staff room and Cas' shoulders started to relax a little bit more at that. They wanted to give the impression of a cozy atmosphere when people got into the library and even if it was supposed to be quiet, there were several rooms that was totally silent and nobody ever complained. 

“I know what you were going to do last night, your picture is already on the most hip gossip pages.” Charlie told him and Cas felt his heart sink once again. He was used to it of course. Dean was well known in the society which mean that everything he did would find it's way into gossip magazines. 

“You looked really good last night, and that smile was almost convincing.”

Cas chuckled and rolled his eyes. “I know, right?”

“Well, nobody seemed to notice, so I guess it was good enough.”

Cas felt how Charlie was keeping an eye on him but she didn’t say anything for a while. When customers got in they both did their work helping them out with what they needed, and Cas had time to distance himself a little more from everything that had happened. He was far from over it, but it helped to have something to do. By lunch they had some time to themselves in the staff room and Charlie closed the door. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”

“I told you, I just didn’t sleep that well. You know how I am after those things.”

“Mm.” She nodded, clearly not convinced. 

Charlie was one of the few that actually knew how Cas felt about Dean. Or, how he used to feel about Dean. Cas had spilled it once when they were drinking and he couldn’t hold it in anymore, and she learned that Cas actually had a crush or was in love like she insisted. 

“Did something happen between you two last night?” Charlie eventually asked and Cas took a deep breath. 

“We kind of had a fight.” He said and told her in short terms what had happened. 

“So he forced you into saying you would go to that interview with him?”

“Yeah, he threatened to take my cards away.” Cas rolled his eyes and Charlie chuckled. 

“What? You’re telling me he doesn’t know?”

“How could he? He isn’t even interested and it isn’t like he would notice the difference.” Cas said. 

“What I don’t understand is why that kept you up?”

“He kind of broke a cup and I stepped in the pieces.” Cas muttered. 

“He hurt you?” Charlie stared at Cas in shock.

“What, NO. Or… No, HE didn’t hurt me.”

“Yes he did. How bad is it?”

Cas didn’t want to talk about it. His feet had been hurting all day as he expected them to, but what he needed help with was the interview. He had no idea how to behave or what to say, and he was going to freak out he was sure. He hated living a lie but what else could he do? 

 

Charlie insisted that she should come home with Cas in case Dean decided he would have another fit. Cas was almost glad she came with him, not because he thought Dean would get angry, but maybe he didn’t have to talk to the man if Charlie was there. 

Molly could inform him that her master had already had his dinner but assured them she could heat up some more for them and Cas thanked her as they settled in the kitchen. Cas never sat down by the large table in the dining room unless he had to. He was much more content in there with Molly and Charlie. They talked about books, work and other stuff that was going on in the world around them. 

“What is all this noise?” An amused voice asked them and a tall and grinning man was appearing in the doorway. 

“Sam!” Charlie said with a wide grin and Cas gave him a little smile. 

Molly immediately started to fix some more food and Sam sat down with them. 

“I’m only passing through. We’re headed for a party.”

“Well, then you’ll need some food in you.” Molly insisted. 

It was a long time since they all learned to smooth over the awkwardness since Cas was supposed to be Dean’s husband when they all knew he was still running around doing whatever he felt like. Molly used to coddle him a little extra when that happened and Charlie made it her mission to make Cas forget about it. Cas was used to it all by now and some days he almost didn’t even feel a sting at the thought. Almost. 

They were talking loudly while they ate. Cas liked Sam, he was a compassionate guy who never wanted Cas any harm. He could talk about books and sometimes even make fun of Dean and Cas did feel a little better that Sam treated him like that when his brother was so difficult. 

“Thought I heard someone having a party in here.” Dean came strolling into the room. He was dressed in a pair of light pants and a dark shirt. He smelled too good and Cas was always weak for him like that even if he was still ignored.  
Cas didn’t make eye contact with him and concentrated on his food. 

“Yeah, Molly made me eat.” Sam said between mouthfuls. 

Dean snorted and muttered that his brother never was forced to eat, it was more like they had to force him to stop. Dean turned to look at Cas and Charlie got the opportunity to stare daggers at him. 

“Cas, I need to talk to you in my office.” Dean said his voice firm. He was obviously expecting a fight. 

Cas simply nodded and got up from his chair before walking carefully on his hurting feet after Dean down the hall. It was one thing to pick a fight when they were alone, but Cas didn’t want others witnessing their bad sides like that. 

Cas had been inside Dean’s office just a few times. He could probably count the times on one hand in the two and a half years he had been living there. 

“I got e-mailed the questions to the interview on Thursday and I thought you would like to look at them.” Dean said as he handed him a few pages. 

Cas stared blankly at him. Dean was actually doing something… nice? Cas shook it off, it was probably because of the fight last night and the fact that Cas got hurt. 

“Um…” Cas looked down at the paper and back up at Dean while shaking his head slightly. Dean narrowed his eyes the way he did when he was annoyed. 

“How do you expect me to answer any of these? They want to know what we like to do together? Or what we do at home?” Cas all but gaped at Dean and his eyes were probably a bit desperate. 

“I gave this to you so you could be prepared for what they want to know. Figure something out; I can’t baby you through this.”

“I didn’t ask for that! But you could at least tell me what you want me to say when I know nothing!” Cas said and his voice was almost breaking at the end. 

Dean took a deep breath and was without doubt about to give Cas another piece of his mind when Sam yelled at him from the other side of the door. 

“Take a look at those questions and just go with it, Cas it isn’t that hard!” Dean told him before he pushed past him and opened the door. Cas didn’t look at Sam as he passed him and he didn’t say good bye to Dean. 

There he had been in the kitchen, having a good time with Molly and Charlie and then Dean had to screw it all up with his hurtful comments and bad attitude. Cas wasn’t sure how much longer he could do this. 

***

Dean sat by the bar with Sam waiting for some of their friends. He had been thrown off a little last night when Cas started bleeding. Sure he could get really annoyed with the guy, and they weren't really on good terms, but he didn’t want him to get hurt like that, and much less did he want to be the one hurting him. 

“Hey, Dean I asked Molly about the pie you gushed about, turns out she didn’t make it.”

“Sure she did. She’s just playing shy. She makes a pie at least once a week and I have told her I’m going to get fat if she keeps it up and she just laughs it off.” Dean insisted and lifted his beer. 

“Alright. She said it was all Cas’ pie.” Sam said and Dean turned to look at his brother. 

“Cas doesn’t make pie. He’s sitting around with his books and whatever stuff he’s doing.”

Sam just shrugged his shoulders. “Fine. You’re always hard on the guy. I don’t know what he’s done to you. I think he's a nice man.”

“Yes, he is nice, a little too nice. I’m not hard on him. He lives in my house and spending my money, you know that!”

“I’ve heard that song several times before, Dean. I don’t think he’s that kind of person.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Just stay out of it.”

“I still think he’s different from what you think. But today he actually looked almost scared of you.”

Dean felt the anger boiling again. That wasn’t right. Cas wasn’t scared of him, he was twisting Dean’s words and making comments just to rile him up. And the only thing Dean could come up with Cas wanting to go along with the agreement was the money. He just needed to make sure it didn’t get out of hand. 

“He’s not scared of me, not a chance.”

Sam shook his head as their friends got there. He liked Cas and he was afraid that his brother was messing him up too bad to be able to move on. Sam was pretty sure Cas liked Dean, at least before this all happened, but he had become just a shadow of what he used to be.

 

Dean was determined to have a good time with his friends and since he was used to pushing Cas to the back of his mind he soon got a little drunk, flirted with a brunette at the bar and forgot most about his domestic concerns.  
After a late night like this it sometimes happened that Dean thought about Cas. That maybe he could have become a friend and been a part of his circle of friends. Dean believed that Cas wanted something from him, and that it was about the money mostly, so he was afraid to let him in. 

Coming home that evening the house was dark and quiet. A little voice at the back of his mind reminded him that if he had let Cas become closer he would either have come in with him or he would be in bed already, Dean’s bed. Instead he would have to go into a cold and empty room with nobody beside him. 

Cas was asleep on the couch, the TV was playing some horror movie and Dean was a little surprised. He didn’t even know what Cas preferred watching. Cas looked peaceful, his dark ruffled hair was a mess on top of his head. His cheek were a little rosy, probably from the wine he had been drinking. An empty bottle stood on the table. Cas had a pretty mouth and it occurred to Dean that he hadn’t really been looking at Cas like this before. Hell, he hadn’t even seen the guy naked even if they were supposed to be together. 

Dean took a deep breath, reached out for a blanket and wrapped it over the man’s shoulders. Cas sighed and snuggled into the pillow. He was so cute Dean almost let a hand run over his hair. Instead he walked silently back to his room and went to bed. The next morning he had forgotten about what he had been thinking last night, and when he met Cas coming out from his room with his hair wet after a shower he felt his eyes narrow and a claw tighten in his stomach. Nothing new in that department. Dean had thought the feeling was about his bad conscious for the way he treated the guy, now he believed it was because Cas just had that affect on him.


	3. The interview

The weekend came and passed with nothing really happening. Cas was mostly at home studying and Dean was barely even there. 

Cas made some food, he baked a pie and some cakes which he brought over to his sister who was pregnant and bored. She talked a lot about the baby and Cas was happy about the distraction. Anna had married a year before Cas and had a great husband, named Michal and even if he didn’t know everything about Cas’ situation he never said anything when Cas came over day or night. 

 

It didn’t matter how much Cas dreaded the interview. The day still came really fast. He had been going over the questions again and again. Looked for something that he could answer to them, and he thought maybe he would be able to get away with it, but he was still afraid they would realize it was all a lie. 

Cas was never this nervous when he was going to a party or event with Dean, but maybe that was because the man was so confident and calm next to him that he tapped into that. 

Dean’s car came around to pick Cas up from work around lunch time and Dean was already there. Cas nodded to him and settled by the window, looking out. It wasn’t until they were outside a tall building that Dean said something. 

“Ready?”

Cas nodded and climbed out of the car. When they came inside the building they were guided into a conference room and were asked to wait. They both got a cup of bad coffee and then they were totally alone. Cas tried to seem like he knew what he was doing but not even Dean was fooled.

“Hey, man, relax. It’s just like when we are at those parties. We talk to people all the time.”

Cas sent him a glance, but didn’t say anything. 

“Look, you can’t be that stiff, or they will know something is up.”

Cas took a deep breath and straightened his back a little. He hated that Dean was so concerned with keeping their stupid status ‘real’ when it was a sick joke. Cas still didn’t look at Dean, but he reminded himself that he could get through this and then he could do whatever he wanted for the rest of the day. 

A blond woman stepped into the room with a sweet smile at both of them. 

“Hello. My name is Donna Hanscum. I am so happy you could meet me both.” She shook their hands and sat down opposite of them. Cas found her really adorable, she was clearly a bit nervous, but she was smiling all the while and made an effort to make them feel comfortable. 

“So, I understand it’s the first time you two have been together to an interview. Why did you change your mind?” Donna asked. 

Cas was at a loss from the start but thankfully it seemed like Dean was in control of what was going on. Cas learned fast that Dean was good at this. He could turn the question around or answer just a part of it and the woman didn’t even bother to ask again because he was that good at charming her. Cas actually found it interesting that he was so good at it. 

“We have all heard stories about how Dean likes to work on his car, and that he has quite a few hobbies that are pretty physical. From the husband’s perspective, would you agree to that or do you know a different side of Dean?” Donna looked directly at Cas and he swallowed momentarily. 

That was a pretty direct question and he knew he could go for what he knew, he could talk to this woman, but what if he said something Dean didn’t want him to say? Cas looked over to Dean for just a second and met his green eyes, open and calm. No anger or resentment. 

“Well um…” Cas cleared his voice and cursed inwardly that he was even there. Donna just gave him the time he needed and eventually he tried again. 

“Yeah, sure he does. He has his car, which he was working on Sunday, pretty much all day. He runs a bit and likes being active.” Cas nodded and his voice faded away. Donna waited a bit longer. 

“But what about at home, is he really just up and about doing something all the time?” Donna asked with a little wiggling of her eyebrows. 

“Oh, you want to know if he likes to slob around doing nothing?” Cas asked, feeling his heart beating. How was this ever going to end well?

“Exactly. You being here gives us a perfect opportunity to get some juicy stuff on that husband of yours.” It was obvious that Donna was just teasing and Dean didn’t say anything about it. 

“What makes you think I’ll give you the juicy stuff?” Cas asked with a little smile and ignored the blush he could feel creeping into his face. 

“Oh, because you can’t let your man look all perfect now, could you?”

Cas relaxed a little at Donna's easy chatter and chuckled. He avoided any chance of looking at Dean but still noticed that Dean was shifting in his seat and he wondered if he was nervous or angry with Cas. 

“Fine. Sunday after being outside working on his car all day he came in, still covered in oil and whatever you get stained with from a car. Marched into the kitchen and insisted on sitting there eating smelling out the entire room, so yeah, you could say he has his moments of not so perfect.” Cas said with a practiced grin that Donna immediately returned with one of her own, real ones.

“I was hungry.” Dean said behind him but for once there was a smile behind his words. Cas didn’t even have to turn around to know. 

“He does that a lot. Get hungry I mean, it’s probably the reason he have to be so active.” Cas commented and Donna giggled. 

“That’s nice. What’s his favorite food?” Donna asked and looked at Cas. He answered her quickly as if it was a reflex.

“He is a sucker for cheeseburgers. The greasier the better. And pie, in any form.” 

Cas felt more than saw that Dean turned to look at him. He didn’t dare to move.

“I bet. And nobody can blame him, that really is great food.” Donna muttered and took a deep breath.

“ Castiel, to let our readers know you a little better. Tell us a little about what you do.” Donna said. 

“I work in a library, and currently I’m taking a degree in English literature. I have applied to a position at the local university, so we’ll see.” Cas said and when he reached for his cup he met Dean’s eyes. He was looking straight at him with a little bit of surprise in his eyes.

Cas knew that Dean didn’t know much about what he was doing. He knew where he worked, but that was about it. They never talked about whether he had a plan for the future or not and Cas never told him. 

Donna started asking about his degree and a little bit about books before she came back to Dean and she wanted to know if they shared the taste in books.

“No, Dean reads more of the modern kind. Uh… I’m sure he can tell you about it himself.” Cas said as he realized he had answered a question Dean could have answered himself. 

He sat back in his chair and let Dean take over. He talked a little about what he read, then they talked about Dean’s work and Cas just sat there pretending to be a part of it. 

“I’m just a little curious. What is it you two do together, you know during vacations or a boring Sunday?” Donna let her eyes wander between them. 

“I’m afraid we really are quite boring.” Dean said his voice a little strained. 

“Oh, come on, there has to be something!” Donna insisted with a genuine laugh.

Dean stared at her for a moment, clearly he hadn’t gotten this kind of personal questions before, and truth be told, he didn’t have an answer. Cas took in a breath.

“We’re usually just hanging around; you know with Dean’s job he’s often very busy. So when we do have time we sit down and watch a movie with said cheeseburger or something. Sometimes we’re out in the pool throwing a ball and stuff like that. Dean’s right, we’re not that interesting.” Cas huffed a laugh and met Donna’s eyes. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. I think it’s sweet that with your busy schedule and Cas’ studies you still have time to have some fun together.” 

Cas nodded with that practiced smile plastered on his face and Donna moved on with the interview. Finally their hour was up and they could get out of there. 

 

The elevator ride down was filled with a tension that almost made Cas want to hop off and take the stairs instead. Downstairs Dean held the car door open and Cas climbed in and settled by the window like he used to. As the car started moving Cas tried to relax, it hadn’t been that bad, had it?

“You were good at selling it, Cas.” 

“I’ve got practice.” He answered. 

“I mean, I’m surprised about what you know about me, with the car and the food I like.” 

Cas turned to look at Dean. There was some kind of guarded curiosity in his eyes.

“I am living in your house, I’m kind of exposed to those things.”

“But we never eat together or do anything together.”

“What are you saying? That I shouldn’t know these things about you?” Cas asked and that familiar sting appeared in his chest. 

“No, just surprised I guess. If I was asked I bet I couldn’t answer anything about you.” Dean trailed off and Cas bit his lip as he turned to look out the window again. 

He could tell that Dean was lost in thought but that was not unusual, they often did that when they were together. It was a way of being present, but distant. Back at the house Dean said he was having dinner before he would head off to a game of some kind. 

Cas was in the kitchen talking to Molly while she was cooking dinner for the two of them. Cas was writing on his last paper for the semester and had books spread out around him. Molly placed a bowl of soup in front of Cas but he didn’t touch it. 

“Kid, you have to eat.”

“I’m not that hungry.” 

“Sure you are. You only had yogurt for breakfast.” Molly said and stared at him until Cas lifted his spoon and tasted the soup. 

Dean walked into the room and Molly busied herself with making a bowl for him as well. He sat down across from Cas and he took a glance at the books around him. 

“What are you doing?”

“Um… Writing a paper.” Cas said. 

“Yeah, cause you’re taking a degree now, right?” Dean asked and Cas felt how Molly tensed for a second before she continued with her work. 

“I am.”

“Why haven’t I heard about it before?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you have to pay tuition, right? And all of these books.”

“I have a job, you know.” Cas said carefully.

“So you’re telling me you aren’t wasting my money on some nerdy whim?” Dean asked critically. Molly excused herself and disappeared from the room. Cas took a deep breath knowing that he was alone with Dean’s anger. 

“Do you have something against this?”

“I should have been informed about what my money is wasted on.”

“You can just check that with the bank. I’m not spending your money on this, and it’s not a waste of money even if I was.”

“Sure. You were babbling on about taking a job at the university, that’s a dream, Cas, not a decent plan.”

Cas scrambled to pile up his book and smacked down the lid on his laptop. 

“I’ve been working hard on this for a year; I haven’t spent a penny from any of your accounts, so you can’t tell me what to do.”

“I can, when you’re making a fool of yourself. Why can’t you just stay at your job at the library?”

“Because I want this, I want something more!” Cas said. 

Dean got up. 

“I’ll be checking my accounts and how they have been used lately. I don’t believe that your job at the library pays you enough so you can afford all of this.” Dean spat as he turned on his heel and marched out of there. 

Of all the things they had been fighting about over the years, this was the worst. Cas was proud of what he had achieved. He had been saving up and spending his hard earned money to do this, and he worked hard to get good grades. The fact that Dean didn’t believe he could pay for it himself was one thing, but he didn't even believe he was able to take this degree and that was something that made Cas’ vision blurry as he grabbed his stuff and stumbled back to his room. 

Cas’ hands were shaking when he called up Charlie. 

“Hey babe. What’s up?”

“Charlie? I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“Cas, what’s going on?”

“I… I don’t want to be here. I need this to be over.” He whispered. 

“Honey, I’m coming over right now. Don’t do anything until I’m there, okay?”

Cas took a deep shaky breath and tried to dry his cheek with one hand. 

“Cas, tell me you won’t do anything!”

“Yeah, Charlie, promise.” Cas rasped and hung up the phone.


	4. Take control of my life

Cas was staring at the ceiling without really seeing anything. He was drained from anger and all the crying he had done. Charlie was there next to him, but at the moment she wasn’t saying anything. There was nothing to say. Cas was mad at himself that he let these things get to him, it wasn’t like he wasn’t used to it by now. So why did he have to still cry because of the man?

Charlie had dreaded this day, when Cas finally had enough of the way Dean treated him, she was actually surprised it had gone on this long. Thankfully she had time to think about it and prepare herself for what she had to try and make Cas understand.

“You need to do this or you’ll be ruined, Cas.”

“I don’t know how.” Cas whispered.

“You tell him that you need to talk to him like adult people do. If he can’t be grown up about this then you’ll have to talk to Sam.” Charlie’s voice was firm and Cas turned to look at her. He knew she was right, he just didn't have any idea of how to take that chance. Dean could be really intimidating.

 

It was only because of Charlie that Cas was standing in front of Dean’s room taking deep breaths the next evening. He knocked twice on the door and waited for an answer. Dean looked up and when he noticed Cas in the door he seemed both surprised and annoyed.

“Cas? What are you doing here?”

“Can we talk?”

“Talk?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, talk like adults.” Cas said and Dean pursed his lips at the comment but didn’t mention it.

“Fine. What do you want to talk about?”

Cas walked further into the room and felt Dean’s heavy eyes on him until he sat down in a chair opposite of his desk.

“Um… About our… you know arrangement.”

“What about it?” Dean asked.

Cas looked around the room. It was expencively furnished, the walls were light and he had two large bookshelves filled with books, pictures of his family and souvenirs from his trips. There wasn't any sign at all in that room to show Dean was married to Cas.

“I can’t do it anymore.” Cas said his voice shaking and his hands were balled into fists in his lap.

“Come again?” Dean raised his eyebrows and Cas wasn’t sure whether it was from surprise or that he wanted to give Cas a chance to take back what he said.

“I can’t live in this… lie anymore!” Cas swallowed and stared down on the desk.

“You agreed to be a part of this lie.” Dean reminded him cooly.

“Well, I don’t want to anymore.”

“What? You’ve gotten everything you wanted out of this?”

Cas met Dean’s accusingly eyes and felt a sting of pain in his chest. He knew what Dean thought about him, that all he ever wanted was money or something equally insane.

“I was thinking about getting an annulment would be easier than a divorce.”

“Annulment, divorce?” Dean got up from his chair and stared at Cas.

“I won’t agree to that! What are you getting at; did you think you could try your luck and pressure me for money through a divorce?”

“No. Dean, I only want to put this behind me.” Cas whispered.

Dean turned around abruptly and started rummaging through one of his drawers and when he found what he was looking for he slammed a file on the desk between them.

“From this; if we ever want to get out of the arrangement we will have to be married for at least five years or I lose everything. And if I lose everything, you do too.”

“Five years?”

“Yeah. So even if I wanted to get a divorce, which I don’t, I couldn’t because it says so in the contract.”

Cas stared at the words where it clearly stated that he had actually agreed to being in this lie for five whole years. He couldn’t believe how deep in shit he had gotten himself. Cas swallowed hard around the lump in his throat again and again. When he looked up he met Dean’s eyes and there was dark confusion in them. The second Cas got up and turned around to hide his face, there was something in Dean’s face that he didn’t recognize.

“Cas…” Dean said but Cas was already out of the room and hurried down the hall to his own room where he locked the door behind him.

***

Dean stared at the screen at the accounts that Cas had access to. Cas hadn’t been lying and the proof was right there. He was not spending Dean’s money… on anything apparently.  
He was so confused. He knew their arrangement wasn’t perfect, not by far, but he didn’t think it was that bad either. Dean just didn’t have any idea what went wrong or how to fix it. Cas was stubborn and proud, he worked hard with his head down, and that was probably the reason he hadn’t known anything about what he did or in this case, didn’t do.

A little voice inside his head told him that Dean was too wrapped up in himself to notice anything about what was going on around him, but he was definitely not listening to that. He was good with people, reading them and noticing what they wanted. With Cas though, it had proved difficult.

They had known each other since they were kids and Dean always liked that slightly weird guy that loved books and had big blue eyes that wanted to take in all the beauty around him. As they grew up his eyes got intriguing and Dean got scared what that could do to him, or to what they had. It seemed like everything he did he messed it up because now Cas wanted a divorce. He didn’t want to have anything to do with Dean, and from the looks of it he was a lot more hurt than he had realized.

Dean wasn’t delusional, he knew that what they had was nothing, they weren’t even friends anymore, but at the back of his mind he had always thought that things would work out as soon as they got some time to figure it out. Problem was it didn’t look like figuring things out was even an alternative anymore.

There was a sharp knock on his door and he looked up as his brother stepped inside.

“Hey, you called? Wanting to go out or something?”

Dean shook his head and Sam sat down in the chair Cas had been sitting in a few hours before.

“Something up?” Sam always so perceptive.

Dean stood up from his chair and started pacing back and forth. Sam was the only person Dean ever really talked to about personal stuff, and even with him Dean found it difficult. Sam was used to it at least and started fiddling with a pen while he wanted for Dean to pick the right words.

“You remember the night you told me you thought Cas looked like he was scared of me?”

Sam nodded.

“He… um.” Dean ran his hand over his mouth. “He got hurt when we were fighting.”

“What? Dean, what did you do?” Sam stared at his brother.

“No. I smashed a cup and he stepped in the pieces. It wasn’t that bad. But that’s not what I want to talk about. I just wanted to make you see that things are pretty bad between us at the moment.” Dean said but Sam was still shaking his head in disbelief.

Dean gave his brother the short version about the talk he had with Cas earlier.

“And I don’t know how things got this crazy!” Dean let a hand rub his neck and stared a little desperately at Sam.

“Dean. Sit down.” Sam pointed at his chair and Dean did with a sigh.

“Every time I have mentioned Cas you always insist that he only wants this because of your money, and that he’s some kind of gold digger.”

“I never said that!”

“Not in those exact words, but that’s what you are afraid of.” Sam told Dean and he knew he was right. Dean had always said that and why shouldn’t he be careful? Everybody else seemed to want something from him, how could he be sure Cas was anything different?

“Well, unless he has some kind of plan I might be wrong about that. He has barely touched the card I gave him. He’s insisting he only uses his own money.”

Sam nodded. “He is, Dean.”

“Like you would know that.” Dean said.

“I can’t know but Cas is a sweet guy, you used to think so too. That’s why dad chose him, because we all thought you two would get together anyway.”

“What?” Dean hadn’t known that people around him thought that. He had thought that he hid his affection well. Apparently not well enough.

“Well, now he wants a divorce.” Dean muttered and Sam sighed.

Dean took a deep breath he couldn’t believe he was going to ask his brother this.

“What do I do?”

“Dean, man up. You’re married to the man! Talk to him, get to know him again. Even if this marriage is some stupid shit then maybe if you haven’t screwed it up too bad you can at least be friends with the guy. Or you give him a divorce.” Sam rolled his eyes and got up from his chair.

“And Dean, be prepared to apologize.”

Dean groaned and heard Sam laughing. He knew it; it was absolutely idiotic asking his brother about something like that.

***

Cas had to admit there was some perks of living with someone that had an insane amount of money. Owning several apartments was one of them. The day after his conversation with Dean, Cas had tried to come to terms with his life for the next two years and realized he should just try and live his life, Dean most certainly was without regard for Cas.

So instead of hanging around he had packed a suitcase and took off in his car. It wasn’t that far to the other side of the city where Dean had an apartment and Cas looked forward to being all alone.

It was two weeks until the school year was over and he had to be back for an exam. Until then he would stay at the apartment, write his essays and think about what he wanted to do from now on.

After talking to Dean and realizing he wasn’t able to get a divorce Cas had talked to Charlie and she made him see that he should just try and move on anyway. Dean was living his life so Cas should be able to live his own the way he wanted.

“So what is it you want to do, Cas?”

Cas didn’t know. The years before he married Dean he lived from day to day, trying to get past with a job at a fast food diner. After he married he had been walking around… waiting. He wasn’t sure what he had been waiting for, it just always felt like there was _something_.

It took three days before Dean called him.

“Hey, Cas.”

“Dean?” Cas waited for an outburst but it didn’t come.

“I talked to the manager of the apartment building, so I know where you are.”

“And?”

“Well, if you are trying to hide from me, you shouldn’t use one of the places I own.”

“I’m not hiding. I’m getting ready for my finals.”

Dean didn’t have anything to say to that so instead he moved on to ask when Cas was coming back.

“In two weeks.”

It felt like Dean was about to say something more, but eventually he just cleared his voice, said goodbye to Cas and hung up. Cas was sitting there feeling odd. He wasn’t used to talking to Dean unless they fought or if Dean wanted something from Cas. This was just a check-up since Dean already knew where he was, and that was not the way their relationship worked.

 

Cas had enough to do to finish the school year and that was a relief. He didn’t have time to think about the rest of his troubles when he put his entire mind into the last few days of writing. The apartment was quiet; he didn’t have to know if Dean was at home or not and wonder where he was spending the night. He didn’t have to think about what the maid or the cook would think about him when he sat alone in the living room with a glass of wine, or when he stared out the window with a sad expression on his face.

Two weeks away helped a lot on his mood and he had decided that Charlie was right; he should live his own life. So when he came home he was prepared to take his exams, and for anything that would come after.

He was a little thrown off his game when he sat in the kitchen back at Dean’s house looking over his notes and Dean came in wearing sweatpants and a wrinkled black t-shirt. He looked like he had been home all day, and that he planned on staying in instead of heading out.

“This your final exam?”

Cas nodded without looking up.

“You think you’ll be doing okay?”

Cas looked up then, surprised to be engaged in a conversation and afraid there was something behind the words he didn’t see right away that could start a fight.

“I think so, yes.” He said.

“That’s good.” Dean nodded with a smile that was nothing like what Cas was used to. They stared at each other for a moment until Cas broke away and tried to focus on his notes again.

“Well, good luck. Let me know if you want a party to celebrate that you’re finished.” Dean said before walking out of there.

Cas simply stared after him for several minutes, until he concluded that Dean was just mocking him for even wanting to study.

***

Charlie was ready after Cas was done with his exam and gave him a big hug.

“Finally, dude. I’ve been waiting forever out here. Here’s your coffee.” She said and thrust a warm cup into his hands.

“Thanks.”

“Well, I’ve talked to some of our friends and they are all up for a night out!” Charlie grinned and Cas smiled back. She had promised him a night out and Cas was going to celebrate not only that he was finished with this semester, but that he was going to start taking control of his own life.


	5. I'm fine

Cas and Charlie went home to Charlie’s place where they cooked food and as the day turned into an evening their friends started showing up. It wasn’t long until they sat around the table, popped open bottles of wine and beers while they chatted about their plans for the summer. 

Even if Cas often were together with his friends he wasn’t going out with them a lot. He had been careful to avoid situations where people could ask him questions about why Dean wasn’t there or anything at all really about his relationship with the rich handsome man.

Tonight Cas didn’t have any plans to take it slow. Before they headed out they had already been drinking for a while and Cas was in a very light mood. Laughing and having a great time. It had been a long while since he had been out with his friends. Charlie, Ash, Gilda and Kevin were there with him and Cas intended to make the most of the night. At the club they soon got together with more people and even if Cas didn’t know all of them he was introduced and being happily buzzed it was easy to get along with them. 

 

Like any other Friday night the place was packed with people. Charlie whispered in Cas’ ear every time she insisted someone was looking at him. He just shook his head and tried to ignore her. He wasn’t there to look for a hook-up. There was no chance he could do that after all that time he had spent alone knowing the person he lived with didn’t want him. Cas simply didn’t believe that the people Charlie referred to actually looked at him. At least not in the way she suggested. 

Ash and Kevin both were the two guys in the group that were concidered the smart ones and usually they ended up in some kind of weird discussion. Eventually the rest of them would grow tired of that and move away from them. That was what Cas did when he walked a little unsteady from their table and headed for the bar. 

Someone who probably was swaying even more than Cas bumped into him. Cas stumbled and felt how he fell hard against someone. Before he knew what happened Cas was all of a sudden standing with a pair of strong arms keeping him up. 

“Easy there, handsome.” A man with a British accent said into his ear. 

Cas looked up to meet a pair of light blue eyes that smiled down at him. 

“You alright, there?” The man said. 

“Um… I’m fine. Uh, I’m sorry about that.” Cas said and took a step back and the tall and handsome man let him go after making sure he was steady. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah, some guy pushed me. I’ll make sure to be more careful.” Cas said and the guy laughed a little. 

“What’s your name?” 

Cas blinked once and looked at the blonde man again. He was probably several years older than he was, but he was definitely good looking. 

“Cas.” 

“Nice to meet you, Cas. I’m Balthazar. Can I buy you a drink?” Balthazar gave him an easy smile and started leading Cas towards the bar. 

It turned out this man worked fast and efficient. Cas had a drink in his hand just a moment later and Balthazar had already started talking about what Cas was doing there tonight, and apparently he himself was out with some guys from work. 

Cas soon realized he shouldn’t be drinking much more. He was really affected by this guy. They sat by the bar, and just listening to his soft British accent made him lean a little closer and when Balthazar touched his arm Cas let him and even encouraged him to keep going. 

Thankfully Charlie came over after a while an interrupted them. 

“Cas, there you are. I’ve been looking for you. We are heading over to Ash.” She said and nudged Cas arm. 

“Oh, yeah.” Cas nodded and put some distance between himself and the man in front of him. 

“Sorry, did I interrupt something?” Charlie asked and Cas knew she was doing it on purpose. She had picked that exact moment to interrupt them because she thought it was her duty to protect him, and she was probably right. Cas might do something stupid. It wasn't like it would be the first time.

“Hello. My name is Balthazar. I will be out of your way.” He said politely and stood up. Cas got on his feet as well. 

“I’m Charlie, Cas’ friend.” She said and Cas huffed a laugh at that. “Cas I’ll be waiting at the exit.”

When she left Cas turned to look at the man in front of him. 

“I should be going. Thank you for the drink.” Cas said with a genuine smile. Balthazar winked at him. 

“It was my pleasure, definitely.” He said and held Cas’ eyes with his until Cas looked away with a blush. 

“Would it be okay if I asked for your number?” Balthazar said just as Cas started to pull away. He stopped short and swallowed. This man was really good looking and all the positive energy around him was something Cas had been craving for so long. Still, he didn’t know the first thing about him and he didn’t know what to do about it. He stared at the man for a long time, probably too long as he lifted one hand and smiled. 

“It’s okay.” 

“No, I want to I just… I’m not…” Cas looked away and took a deep breath. There was a warm hand resting on his shoulder and Cas lifted his eyes to see a smile on Balthazar’s face.

“How about we agree to meet again, and then you can decide?” Balthazar offered and Cas wanted to ask him why he wanted this from him. Cas was nothing special, but the man in front of him seemed interested. If he wanted someone to take home for the night, surely he would have lost interest by now.

“Fine.” Cas nodded. 

Balthazar grabbed a napkin and wrote down an address to a restaurant called The Tower. 

“I’ll leave my number here so you can call if something comes up.” Balthazar said and leaned forward to press a soft peck on his cheek. 

 

Cas woke up the next morning and looked around. His head fell back on the pillow with a groan. It felt like his entire being was pounding. Charlie apparently was up already and she came over to the couch where he had been sleeping with a glass of orange juice and painkillers. 

“God, what did we do last night?”

“I have no idea.” Charlie rasped and sank down in a chair. 

Cas took his pills and downed the juice before he put his head back on the pillow. He had no idea how they had managed to get home to Charlie’s apartment, because he knew for a fact they had been really out of it both of them. He remembered playing some drinking game, and it all went downhill from that.

“How are we even here?” Cas asked. 

“I think Ash got us a cab.” She sighed. 

They both looked at the bedroom when someone said their names and Gilda appeared in the doorway. Her hair was a total mess and she was not better off than they were. 

“Oh my god, I can’t believe we drank that much.” She said and was about to get into the living room but she suddenly turned around and it wasn’t long before they heard her throw up in the bathroom. 

“I should get home.” Cas said and started to get up. 

“Okay, I’ll call you later.” Charlie promised and followed him to the door. 

 

Cas let out a long breath as he finally opened the door at home. Yesterday had really been a long day and even if he had had a lot of fun, there was something about heading back to the place he lived. Even if he knew there would be tension with Dean there, chances were he wasn’t even at home so if he was lucky he would have the house to himself. 

In the two and a half years Cas had lived in Dean’s home he hadn’t spent the night anywhere else. So maybe he shouldn’t have been surprised that just a few minutes after he sat down in the kitchen with a bowl of cold lasagna Dean appeared. 

“Hey man… oh, fuck you look great.” Dean said and he stopped in his tracks and took in Cas’ appearance with his eyes wide. There was real surprise in Dean's eyes, and maybe something resembling concern. Cas couldn't be sure.

“Did you just wake up?”

Cas nodded and stabbed his fork into the lasagna. He felt like throwing up, but at the same time was in bad need of some greasy food.

“So I assume you had fun last night then. When did you come in?”

Cas shrugged his shoulders. First off he still had a headache and was in desperate need of a shower and some sleep. Secondly hadn’t Dean noticed he was away all night?

Dean came all the way into the kitchen and opened a few of the cabinets as he made his way through the room. For a while none of them said anything but Cas had the feeling it would change soon, and he didn’t know what to expect. 

“Molly made you lasagna last night for dinner, but you didn’t come home so me and Sam ate most of it.” Dean said. 

Cas nodded slowly without looking directly at Dean. Yeah, that was not what he expected. The silence in the kitchen stretched out so Cas gave in and turned around to tell Dean that he had been going out with Charlie. Dean stared at him and Cas felt really self-conscious when Dean let his eyes wander down his chest and back up again. Dean tightened his jaw.

“I understand. Did the exam go well?”

“Yes, I think so. I won’t know the result for another three weeks.” Cas said and walked over to the sink with his bowl. He muttered something about needing a shower and headed for the door. 

“Nice shirt by the way. I didn’t know that about you.” Dean said and Cas had no idea what he meant. When he turned around to look at Dean, his eyes were only teasing and he had a smirk on his face that Cas hadn’t seen in years. Instead of answering Cas just hurried into his bathroom and groaned when he saw the print on the t-shirt that read ‘I swallow’ in big letters. Oh god he hadn’t been out in that shirt, had he?

 

Cas found the napkin with Balthazar’s scribbles on and with pressure from Charlie he decided to go. He ended up having a great time. Balthazar turned out to be a man that had been around, someone that knew a lot and appreciated good books just as much as Cas. 

Even if he had a great time there was a little voice at the back of his head that reminded him that technically he was a married man. It didn’t help that Cas knew it was all a stupid joke. He was still married to the man and if it came out that he was dating other men they both would be in trouble and Dean probably the most since he was the public person of the two of them. 

Cas couldn’t bring himself to hate Dean for all the wrong he did. It had been hard to admit that Dean didn’t care for him one bit, but he couldn’t be that indifferent towards him even if he tried. And since he didn’t manage to get mad he ended up feeling confused. He went out with Balthazar regularly and was out with his friends even more.

Balthazar had his own way of making Cas forget about his conscience. They had a lot of fun in the next few weeks, and Cas got to see his amazing apartment that held a lot of precious antiques that he didn’t understand how the man got his hands on. Balthazar worked in some kind of museum so it was probably through that, but Cas had no idea why this stuff was at his home rather than in the museum. 

Cas never really let anything happen between them. He was insecure about that, so the closest they got was some kisses and maybe they made out once in a while if Cas was drunk. 

It seemed like Dean started to realize that Cas was pulling away from him. He was present at dinner almost every day, and had started to talk to Cas instead of ignoring him or only talking when he needed something.  
Cas didn’t know what to do with it, because this was so different from what they usually did together, and sitting by the table or the island in the kitchen eating, suddenly felt intimate and crowded. Cas wasn’t sure it was all bad, but it was just really different from their daily routine. Cas thought maybe it was because Dean wanted something and was trying to find a way to tell him, but Dean wasn’t known to be shy about what he wanted. 

Something had changed in Cas though. As Cas and Dean formed some kind of tentative connection, not a bond exactly, but something that made it easier for them to live like they did, Cas was still going out a lot more than he used to.  
Charlie was there by his side almost all the time, and sometimes Balthazar was there too. Cas usually went back home, or sometimes he crashed with Charlie if it got late. Dean never mentioned any of that directly and when Charlie started to ask if maybe he should try and keep it down a little he pointed out that he was fine, totally fine. Nothing was wrong, because he was finally ready to let go. 

***

Late one night, or early one morning Cas practically crawled through the front door and with his back against the door slid down to the floor and struggled with getting out of his shoes. He let his head fall back with a soft thump and he sniffled a little. He was tired and confused, and he was absolutely sure there was no chance he could get up off the floor.

“Cas, what the fuck is going on?” Dean sounded like he had been asleep. Cas forced his eyes to open and watched as Dean came closer with his bare feet sticking out under his sweatpants. When he hunched down in front of him, Cas closed his eyes and let his head fall to the side. 

“Hey, hey, open your eyes.” Dean said and grabbed his arm. “Cas? You with me?”

Cas wasn’t sure what was going on so he slowly opened his eyes but he struggled to focus on anything at all. There was a warm hand against his face and a thumb brushed away a tear running down his cheek.

“Dean? Where... Um... Where am I?”

“You’re home. God, where have you been tonight?” Dean asked and he looked concerned. 

Cas tried to pull his shoes off, but Dean pushed his hands away and started untying the laces instead. All the while looking expectantly at Cas to answer his question. Cas tried to think. 

“A strip club, I think.” 

“Really?” Dean asked in a tight voice. “What strip club?”

“The one… with… the one… um… His name’s Gabriel, really cute.” Cas nodded and his head fell back against the door again. 

“There’s no club called Gabriel.” Dean said. 

“No, no. Gabriel, the pretty stripper.” Cas laughed tiredly and didn’t notice Dean’s sigh. 

Eventually Dean got him up from the floor and put an arm around his waist to lead him into the house. He headed for his bathroom and Cas didn’t even notice until it was too late. Dean turned on the shower and Cas protested. 

“You need to shower, to wake up some from whatever it is you have taken. And if you had a stripper all over you tonight you need to get that off too.”

“Oh, yeah. He really took care of it, you know.” Cas said as he let Dean open the buttons of his shirt. 

“I bet he did.” Dean muttered low and continued his struggle to undress Cas. 

“Were you alone at the club?” Dean asked and made Cas look him in the eye. Cas furrowed his brow and closed one eye as he tried to focus on the question. Everything was fleeting around him. 

“Um… well… Charlie was there for a while and her girlfriend.” Cas remembered. Then Gabriel had been there in front of him, all cute and funny and eventually Charlie had left. 

“He was supposed to be an angel.” Cas told Dean. 

“Who?”

“Gabriel. A real angel, with wings.” He snickered. 

“A real angel I see.” Dean said and pointed at a hickey just below Cas’ collarbone. 

“Yeah, great lips.” Cas looked up at Dean who didn’t look the least bit amused. His lips were pressed together in a pout. Before Cas could control what he was doing, he had already lifted his hand and let one finger trace the curve of those full lips. 

“Nothing like your lips, though. No one ever compares, you know.” Cas whispered and was lost in the feeling of those full lips against his finger. Dean was staring at him and for a moment they didn’t say anything.

“Cas, let’s get you into the shower now, okay?” Dean said and got up as to get some distance between them. Cas nodded and swayed dangerously on his feet. The fleeting feeling was back and he sat down in the bathtub enjoying the hot water running over his body. The water combined with whatever it was he had in his system was good. Cas was so tired, all he wanted to do was sleep. He felt warm and comfortable, but inside he was so cold. Dean's hands washed his hair and Cas tried to stop a tear from rolling down his cheek. The cold inside felt like it was spreading and he hunched in on himself.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I am fine.” He repeated with his forehead pressed against his knees and he rocked back and forth with his arms tight around his legs. Dean's warm hand still resting on his neck.


	6. Summer plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story and for leaving comments! It really means something to see that someone likes it. I get motivated from your kind words and it's even more fun that way ;) 
> 
> I am hoping there won't be that long until my next update, but seems like life has to be lived this year as well so work and school awaits:) I've already written a good part of next chapter so sometime in the middle of this week I really hope to be there ! 
> 
> Thank you again for staying with me <3

Dean was exhausted by the time he got Cas to bed. It was already early morning and Dean couldn’t believe the mess they were in. How did things end up like this? It was supposed to be a perfectly good arrangement that benefited them both. 

Dean wasn’t stupid or blind. He knew Cas had been going out more, and that he was pulling away from Dean, so the thought that he was off having sex with others had occurred to him before. What was hard to understand was the fact that Dean didn’t like that thought. He knew it was really ironic thinking about how many times he had done that himself, but Cas was… Cas. He had always been there, without any trouble at all. And Cas was well… his. 

There was something about the thought that Cas let someone else take what they wanted from him that didn’t sit right with Dean and as long as there was no proof that was happening Dean held on to that. 

Now that Cas had come stumbling home drunk and high crying and helpless, well that gave Dean proof enough and the angry betrayed feeling he got made him a little scared actually, and really confused. First, he had always been staying away from things like that; Dean was wild alright, but he wasn’t looking for trouble. When he was younger he and his brother had made a promise to each other that they wouldn’t say yes to drugs no matter how tempting it got. So far, he had kept his promise. Secondly, Cas had always been quiet and caused absolutely no trouble at all, but he was now almost fallen off the grid and Dean wasn’t sure what to do about that, because the truth was he didn’t even know the man he was living with. He had no idea what was going on inside his head. 

What he did know was that the change had started about the same time Dean realized he should make an effort; after Cas asked for a divorce. That made sense to Dean, that Cas decided to just do his own thing and just forget everything else since a divorce wasn’t an option. It didn’t stir any less in his pride no matter how much logic was behind it.

 

Dean let out a heavy breath and looked over at the sleeping man next to him. He looked calmer and Dean felt good about that, now that the first scare was over. 

The shower had been difficult because Cas’ mind had been all over the place. One moment he was crying and telling himself he was fine, the next he was more focused, saying he should be cleaning himself instead of Dean. 

Dean was really confused about the way Cas had been touching his lips and said nobody ever compared. They hadn’t kissed each other apart from the first kiss after they got married, which had been a chaste kiss, more like a peck. So what did he even mean by that?

By the time Dean got Cas out of the bathtub he was almost asleep. Dean dried him off with a towel, dressed him in a pair of his own boxers and t-shirts and carried him into his bedroom. 

“You have been carrying me around a lot lately.” Cas muttered and Dean chuckled. 

“Seems like it, yes.”

Cas let out a soft sound almost like a moan when Dean put him down on the bed. He didn’t close his eyes right away. Instead he kept looking at Dean like he wanted to say something but didn’t quite know how or what. Eventually he turned to lie on his side and pulled the covers up under his chin. 

Dean sat down on the bed uncertain if he should get some more sleep or stay awake to make sure Cas was okay, but eventually they both fell asleep. 

 

Dean woke up with someone pressed close to his front and the feeling that he wasn’t totally uninterested in the intimacy. He carefully removed the arm he had around Cas’ sleeping body and got out of bed. Even if he had fallen asleep eventually, he had time to think about what to do, and a plan had formed in the light of the morning. The way Dean saw it they both needed to sit down and talk like adults, as Cas called it. 

“Good morning, Molly.” Dean said and smiled to the elderly woman in the kitchen. 

“Dean.” She smiled. “What can I get you?”

“I’ll have scrambled eggs, and could you make one of those egg sandwiches for Cas? He’s gonna need it.” Dean said and poured coffee in a cup. 

“Cas? I didn’t think he was home? Brianna said the lights were on in his room so she walked in there and the room was empty.” Molly said hinting to their maid. 

“Yeah, he’s asleep in my bed.” Dean said and sat down on one of the tall chairs and reached for today’s paper. Molly looked at him a little longer and more surprised than usual, but she didn’t say anything. He thought she either didn’t believe him or that she was dying to know what was going on since all they ever did in front of Molly was fight. 

***

Cas woke up feeling like he had been asleep for an entire week, but still heavy like he hadn’t rested at all. He didn’t recognize the room and his body felt tired like he had been working out. 

With a grunt he pulled himself up on his elbows and looked around. The room smelled familiar, and the space beside him had clearly been used. He looked down on himself, and let out a relieved sigh that he was still dressed. And the shirt was familiar as well. It was Dean’s. He was in Dean’s room? 

Cas was sitting on the bedside when the door opened and Dean came inside. 

“You’re awake?”

“I guess. Um… why am I in your room?” He asked voice hoarse. Cas took the glass of water Dean was handing him and gulped it down. 

“You were pretty out of it last night.”

“Yeah.” Cas nodded slowly and avoided looking at Dean. 

“Molly got your breakfast ready and I thought maybe we should talk.” Dean said. Looking at Cas he wasn’t sure how to make that conversation, or if Cas even wanted to. 

Cas didn’t answer. Instead he got up and walked slowly towards the door and down the hall to his own room. Cas felt like sleeping some more, but he probably needed the food so he dressed in a pair of sweatpants and came back out. He tried not to think about what Dean wanted to talk about if he maybe wanted to yell at Cas for behaving irresponsibly.

Dean was in the kitchen with his own breakfast and Molly was humming along in the other end of the room. Cas sank down on the stool and grabbed his cup of coffee. He could feel that Dean was keeping an eye on him and he wasn’t sure how to react. There were big holes in his memory about last night, but obviously something had happened seeing as he had woken up in Dean’s bed. 

Cas tried to focus on his food as it went down slowly. He wasn’t feeling like throwing up exactly, but he was definitely not well. 

“How are you feeling?”

Cas almost looked behind him to see if there was someone else there, because the way Dean was looking at him and his voice so friendly it couldn’t be meant for him. Dean just waited and eventually Cas took a deep breath to answer. 

“I’m fine. Really, just a little dizzy I guess.” He added and noticed how Dean narrowed his eyes. That was never a good sign, it meant he was annoyed and this would probably turn into them both screaming. 

“Look, don’t yell at me I can’t take that right now. I’m as fine as you’d expect.” Cas practically begged and he hated how weak and small he always became in the face of Dean’s anger. 

“I wasn’t going to yell.”

Cas just stared at him for a second before focusing back on his food. Well, that was new. New in a way that made Cas feel like he had for the past weeks. Something had made Dean change and the new… thing between them was enough to make Cas really careful about what he said or did. It wasn’t that he didn’t like it exactly, but it was easier when he knew the only reason Dean would talk to him was when he was mad or he needed Cas for something. It was just easier. 

The silence in the kitchen was thick with tension and Cas was just seconds away from bailing. He couldn’t handle this, whatever it was. And Dean hadn’t even said what he wanted to talk about. Cas chose to sip his coffee and pulled one leg up under him and eat his food. 

“Cas, what are your plans for the summer?” Dean asked after a while. They were finally alone in the kitchen, but if Cas knew Molly she was probably somewhere inside earshot. She was too nosy to miss whatever happened between them. Cas himself was also surprised at the turn of events and he stared blankly at Dean. 

“This summer?” He asked stupidly. 

“Yes, until September.” Dean said with a smile tugging at one side of his mouth. 

“I don’t know. I’ll be at the library.” Cas answered and sent a quick glance in Dean’s direction. 

“You’re going to work through the summer?”

“Yes.” Cas stated a little more firm. 

Dean nodded almost to himself and he bit his lip like he was thinking about something. The way he flipped the page in the paper showed that maybe he wasn’t that engaged in the conversation after all so Cas stopped waiting for a reply. Where was Dean going with this?

“Don’t you want to travel or something?”

“No.” 

“Really? I seem to recall you wanting to travel the world, see the sights all that.”

“Well, that was years ago.” Cas said in a quiet voice. It surprised him that Dean remembered. Cas had been seventeen and Dean was nineteen and on one of their occasional meetings they were sitting on the hood of the Impala talking about their dreams and sipping beer. Cas told him that when he got a job he wanted to travel, he wanted to see what was out there, because he was certain there had to be so many beautiful places to see. 

In a child’s mind that was simple, grow up, get money and travel around. He never had that growing up, wasn’t going anywhere. And he always longed for the opportunity Dean had to do just that. It always surprised him that Dean never visited anything other than famous cities. 

“Maybe, but it doesn’t mean it didn’t mean anything.” Dean pointed out. 

“What about it then?”

“I just wanted to know. Three months stretches out in front of you with no real obligation and you’re going to work in that dusty old place?”

“That’s what I plan to do.” Cas told him and met his eyes for a moment. Cas had been invited to come with Balthazar to Turkey for a week where he was going to visit a archaeological excavation and Cas was itching to go. He had yet to decide, but he wasn’t sure he would take that chance.

“Why?” 

“Because I have to make some money for next year.” Cas said. His heart was beating fast and he wasn’t hungry anymore. His mouth suddenly felt dry, because this was what he was afraid of. This was what would make Dean mad. And Cas really didn’t want to argue about it anymore. 

Dean was quiet for a long time and Cas didn’t really look at him. He just waited for the first biting comment. 

“You still have the card I gave you, right?” Dean asked and Cas froze. 

“Yes.”

“And you know there is almost unlimited access on it?”

“I’m aware.”

“So why spend your summer working your ass of when you don’t have to?” Dean asked. 

Was this some kind of trap? Cas swallowed thickly and tightened his grip around the cup. He was sure he eventually would say the wrong thing and Dean would finally be right about him. 

“I do have to. I have tuition to pay and then my books. I’m not going to waste your money on that.” Cas whispered the last part and Dean rubbed his neck and looked desperate for a moment. 

“Who said anything about wasting money?”

“You did, Dean! You told me it was a waste of money because you don’t even believe I’m capable of pulling it off. So I’ll be working this summer to pay for my education and if I fail you can tell me ‘you told me so’ but you can’t yell at me for using your money.” Cas said and those stupid tears were stinging in his eyes again. What was wrong with him these days?

“Cas, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Save it, Dean.” Cas got up from his chair and almost threw his plate with half eaten food into the sink. Dean stopped him as he marched out of the room. 

“Cas, listen. I need to go away for a fundraising in France, and I want you to take a few days off to come with me.” 

Cas glared at Dean through his veil of anger. 

“I don’t want that.” Cas’ voice shook. 

“But I need you to be there.” Dean sounded tired and a little bit threatening, something closer to what he used to sound like around Cas and somehow that made Cas feel slightly better. 

“And I told you, I need to work!” Cas insisted and tried to get free from Dean’s grip around his arm. 

“You don’t need to work and you know that. Besides it’s only for a few days. It’s France for crying out loud.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Who doesn’t want to see France? Come on, Cas. You haven’t been with me anywhere in weeks; people will start asking about you soon.” 

Cas gritted his teeth. There it was. The pressing need to show the world they were a match made in heaven. 

“They can ask whatever they want.” Cas hissed and ripped his arm free. He could hear Dean yell after him that they weren’t finished with this, but he locked himself into his room and decided to stay there for the rest of the day no matter how childish that made him look. 

What was Dean playing at these days? First he was sweet this morning, bringing him water and arranging food, then they were talking about the summer and all of a sudden it went to hell. Cas flopped down on the bed and sighed. These last weeks had been kind of weird. He realized he might have taken it too far, but he had also finally understood that he didn’t need to take everything Dean threw at him. Now he only needed to work up his resistance against the man, because Cas might be able to argue with him, but eventually he always did what Dean told him to. 

Cas wanted to get mad, but his anger was nothing compared to Dean’s. It seemed like they always ended up fighting and that was another reason Cas had to avoid going anywhere with him. France, it sounded like some kind of long lost dream. Damn the man for choosing the most romantic place to take Cas for some fundraising and ruin every chance he had to think pleasantly about the place. 

Cas looked at the pictures Balthazar had sent him about the dig in Turkey and maybe he should go just to piss of Dean. Cas took deep breaths and cursed himself for getting into this stupid, stupid situation.


	7. A different Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a short one for ya!

Cas made a point of avoiding Dean for the next couple of days. He was aware of how childish it was and that he probably wasn’t going to be able to keep it up for long. But for now it felt good to stay away from him so Dean couldn’t start a discussion and trick him into agreeing to that trip to France. 

Thankfully Cas had his work and he often stayed after his shift was over reading some books. Other times he went with Charlie for lunch or to her place. Charlie on her part was not very discreet in the way she worked to keep Cas from going out so much and so far it worked. 

When the weekend finally was there Cas knew that Dean had a late meeting at his office and then he would most likely be going out with Sam and some of his other friends. He usually did on weekends and after checking with Molly Cas bought the stuff he needed and settled in the kitchen. 

***

Dean had a late night at the office and Sam came to meet him after. They went together to a bar they frequented and got a beer. Dean was tired and unlike most Friday nights he was actually thinking about getting home. He told himself it had nothing to do with the fact that he wanted to make sure Cas was home as well and not out to another strip club or what it was he did these days. 

Dean had let Cas get some space after what happened last time, but he wasn’t going to let it go that easily, they had to talk eventually. 

After a couple of beers he told Sam he was going to head home. 

“You alright, man?” Sam asked and furrowed his brown in an almost concerned laugh. 

“Yeah, yeah. Just been a long week. Let’s talk tomorrow if you want to do something.” Dean told him and Sam nodded. 

 

From the moment Dean opened the door he heard music. It came from the kitchen so he walked down the hall and closer to the sound. It wasn’t loud, just uncommon. As he reached the corner and looked inside he stopped. Cas was standing in front of the counter wearing a pair of worn jeans hanging low on his hips and a t-shirt with Captain America across his chest. There was flour everywhere around him. On the floor, on his shirt and it was clear that he had been drying off his hands on his jeans. There was an almost finished pie next to him and the smell was amazing. 

Dean had never really seen Cas working in the kitchen with anything other than his books. Dean couldn’t help but admire his lean body as he stretched and the shirt rode up and revealed sharp hip bones and a dark trail of hair leading down into his jeans. Dean shook his head, and reminded himself that things were really not like that between them. 

“Smells great in here, Cas.”

Cas gasped and turned around with his hands behind his back like he was hiding something. His eyes were wide and he took a few deep breaths. 

“Dean! I thought you were out.” Cas said. 

“Sorry, came home early. Why? You making a surprise for me?” Dean couldn’t help but tease Cas who looked even more shocked. There was flour in his hair and forehead and Dean had to admit that Cas was a good looking man. 

“Um… I’m… You’re drunk.” Cas stammered before turning around and continued with his work. 

“No, not really. Blueberry and apricots. Is that any good?” Dean asked. Cas muttered something Dean couldn’t hear, but he didn’t say anything. 

Cas was quiet while he made the crust to be on top of the pie and when he put the pie into the oven he turned to face Dean. 

“Did you want something?” He asked. 

“No?” 

“Oh.” Cas held his gaze for a moment. 

“Why do you ask?”

“No reason. You’re home early that’s all.”

“Well like I said, long day.” Dean sat down on a stool and started flipping through Cas’ recipe book that was clearly homemade. 

Cas took a moment to regain his posture and returned to what he was doing. He started cleaning up on the counter and put away the ingredients. He tried not to think about the fact that Dean was sitting there behind him looking through the book of recipes Cas had started making when he was just a kid. 

By the time the pie was done in the oven Cas had cleaned the kitchen and the room was awkwardly quiet apart from the music playing in the background. Dean got on his feet when the clock went off signaling that the pie was finished, and he stood behind Cas as he took it out of the oven.

“When can we taste it?” Dean asked eagerly. 

“It has to cool a little.”

“Well, I’m going to get the ice cream.” He said and practically danced to the fridge. Cas really shouldn’t be charmed by that eagerness. He was still mad at him for a number of reasons, but there was something about Dean’s mood that was contagious. So when Dean turned around with a wide grin on his face like he didn’t have a care in the world and put a box of vanilla ice cream on the table Cas took a deep breath and turned towards the stove. He was not smiling.

Dean took out two bowls and started making scoops of ice cream into them. He rummaged for spoons and put them into the bowl with a clink-sound. 

“The pie ready yet?” He asked and Cas cleared his voice. Dean really was a whirlwind either his mood was good or bad. 

“I guess. It’s still really hot…” Cas started but Dean insisted it didn’t matter since the ice was cold. 

Cas put a piece of pie in each of the bowls that Dean held out to him. He wanted to ask what Dean was doing but before he could do so Dean told him to bring a couple of beers. Then he was headed into the living room. Just a moment later the stereo was turned off and the TV was turned on. 

Cas made his way into the living room and Dean smiled at him. Cas wondered what made him look so pleased. Nothing between them gave any of them reasons to smile like that. Instead of saying anything Cas sat down in the opposite end of the couch with his beer and bowl of pie and ice cream. 

A movie was playing on the screen and they didn’t say anything to each other. Dean complimented the pie, but Cas didn’t answer him and told himself to just keep focusing on the screen. Dean went into the kitchen for seconds after a while, and Cas still didn’t move. 

He wasn’t sure why he was sitting there with this man. Maybe Cas was an idiot for sticking with this, but he was curious about the tentative peace between them. If Dean chose a moment to say what this was about then Cas would be ready to stand up for himself, it didn’t mean he couldn’t be watching TV if he wanted to in the meantime. 

 

Through the night Cas wasn’t able to figure out what Dean’s motive was, so eventually he picked up the dirty dishes and headed for the kitchen. He put the bowls in the dishwasher and wrapped the pie before he put it in the fridge. When Cas turned around Dean was suddenly there in front of him, a lot closer than normal, and it didn’t seem like he was about to move away. 

Cas was practically pressed against the counter as Dean was leaning forward just a little, looking at Cas who had frozen on the spot. To Cas it wasn’t only the pie that smelled good and he needed to remind himself that he wasn’t supposed to think like that. 

“Dean?” Cas asked and cursed inwardly at how his voice sounded so weak. 

“Thank you for a delicious pie.” Dean said and his green eyes stared at him and were a lot warmer than he usually saw them. Cas needed desperately to move, but he wasn’t able to make his feet take a step. 

“Um. Sure.” Cas breathed. There was a tiny smile on Dean’s lips and he leaned closer just a bit as if he was about to kiss him. That made Cas wake up. He placed his hands on Dean’s chest to push him away enough so he could get away. 

He didn’t look back as he got out of the room as fast as he could with his heart beating frantically. Cas stopped in front of the bathroom mirror and let out a heavy, shaking breath. He wasn’t sure why he was freaking out, but if he had been reading the situation right, Dean was about to kiss him. Actually kiss him voluntarily, without anyone there to witness it. In Cas’ mind the only reason Dean showed any kind of affection towards him was when there was someone around to show off for.

Cas took several deep breaths and moved away from the mirror. He started pacing back and forth in his room. He needed to understand what was going on but, Dean had changed lately and Cas wasn’t prepared to stand against that. He had gotten used to the way he acted like an asshole. Against that he knew how to react when something happened. Now, Cas wasn’t strong enough to stand up against him, because this, this was resembling the Dean that Cas once used to hang out with. The Dean that Cas developed feelings for and the Dean that he used to hope he would be able to build a future with one day. 

 

Getting sleep that night was almost impossible. Cas had spent the night thinking over the options he had and by morning he had made up a plan.  
The way he saw it he couldn’t just forget about everything that had happened between him and Dean over the years. He didn’t even trust Dean to not have an agenda if he was nice for an evening. And that was the reason Cas had decided to contact Balthazar. 

 

Cas was sure Dean would try and stop him from going so he didn’t say anything and he packed his bags inside his room in silence. Balthazar sent a list for the stuff he needed to bring and Cas got ready to leave just over the weekend. 

To say that he was nervous about leaving was an understatement. Now that it was decided he was looking forward to it, but he knew Dean would get angry, and even if there was one part of him that thought he deserved it, there was another part that was insecure and scared of the consequences. 

Balthazar said he would be leaving on Monday afternoon and Cas was almost entirely sure Dean wouldn’t be home around that time. He didn’t want to be sneaking away, but decided it was easier to let Dean know when he was safe in the air than before he left. 

Cas was acting like normal until noon, then he started fidgeting so much that Molly eventually asked him if he could go somewhere else being restless. Cas forced himself to sit down in his room and flip through one of the books from next year’s syllabus. 

Balthazar made a call when he drove from his place and Cas carried his suitcase into the hall, tied his shoes and reached for his jacket. 

“Going somewhere, Cas?” Dean’s voice said behind him. Cas swallowed hard and turned around slowly. 

Dean’s arms were crossed over his chest and his eyes were dark. They didn’t show any emotion at all and that was scarier than all the times he had seen Dean’s anger boil below the surface.


	8. Going away

Dean looked at Cas for a long time and the calmness in his movements made him swallow hard. He took a step back and stared at Dean but didn’t answer. Cas' throat was dry and his heart was beating so fast his breath came in short heaving huffs.

“Why didn’t you tell me when we talked about our summer plans?” Dean said in a tone like this was any other conversation. Cas shook his head a little. He wouldn’t go down without a fight no matter how calm and unaffected Dean seemed. 

“Well?” Dean said only his question letting on that he was impatient; his body was still relaxed. Cas was almost sure it was a faked calmness, but he couldn’t be entirely sure.

“I didn’t know about it then.” Cas said and looked directly at Dean. 

“Is that so?”

Cas pursed his lips and started to pull up the zipper on his jacket.

“So where are you headed then?” 

Cas took a deep breath to steady himself. He could do this. It wasn’t like anything would change, so he should be strong enough to stand his ground. 

“Turkey.” His voice sounded different, a lot lighter than his usual tone and he had to breathe out yet another time.

“The other side of the world. Really?” Something flickered in Dean’s eyes but it was gone just as fast as it appeared. 

A honk from a car horn sounded from the outside and Cas jumped with a gasp. 

“Oh, who’s your companion?” Dean asked and Cas was almost entirely sure he was making fun of him. 

In the seconds before the car honked again the silence in the hall was heavy and all Cas could hear was the sound of his blood rushing in his ears. When the horn blared again Cas reached for his suitcase without looking at Dean, but before he could get to the door Dean had wrapped his fingers tight around his wrist. 

“I can’t let you do that.” Dean said quietly. The forced calm was starting to make Cas freak out and he wasn’t sure if Dean tried to keep his anger in check or if there was another reason for his reaction. 

“Dean, let me go. I have a plane to catch.” Cas tried to sound firm.

“No. I mean it. I. Can’t. Let. You. Go.” Dean was a little bit closer to losing his temper, but Cas couldn’t let that stop him.

“Yes you can!” Cas said louder and tugged aggressively at his arm. 

For a moment they had a silly staring contest and Cas took a deep breath. 

“You make me stay for another two and a half year, but we're not together, so I figured I could do what I wanted as long as I still lived here.”

“I’ve noticed how you try to do things by yourself.” Dean said sarcastically.

Cas wanted to punch him. Dean was arrogant and dominating, two traits that was a crazy combination. Cas wanted him to let him go so he wouldn’t have to stick around all the time. That way he would get a week now and then he could put some distance between him and Dean and maybe the rest of his time with the man wasn’t going to be so hard. 

“Who are you going with?” Dean suddenly asked. 

Cas couldn’t answer so he pursed his lips and looked away.

“Come on, Cas. Is it a friend? Charlie? No, she’s not traveling that far. A lover then?” Dean pressed and Cas couldn’t help that a blush forced its way into his cheeks.

“Oh, I understand.” Dean nodded.

Cas wanted to yell that Balthazar wasn’t a lover, not even close, but the sound of a car door slamming shut made him stare at Dean with wide eyes. They both listened to the sound of the few steps against the cobblestone to the door. At the sharp knock on the door Dean let go of Cas’ arm. 

“We’re not going to fight in front of this person.” Dean threatened before he reached for the doorknob and opened the door, and Cas swallowed, feeling defeated.

Cas watched the two men take each other in and it didn’t take long to realize they didn’t have to be introduced to each other. They knew each other, and from what Cas could see they clearly didn’t have the nicest opinion of the other. 

“Dean Winchester. I knew Cas was married, but I didn’t know you were the lucky one.” Balthazar said looking both surprised and not at all happy with the news. Somehow Cas was in the background all of a sudden and Cas didn’t appreciate that at all.

“Well, too bad for you it seems Cas can’t come with you, unfortunately.” Dean was still the impersonating of anger-control. He also seemed to think he was in control of Cas and that wasn’t okay. Cas took a step forward to stand closer to the door and be more present. 

“Is that so?” Balthazar asked with a sarcastic snort, but when he turned to look at Cas his eyes were a lot friendlier. 

“Yes. We’re headed for France in a couple of days. It just came up.” Dean told him in a smug voice before Cas was able to say anything. 

“Cas? Really? You couldn’t give me a heads up about this one?” Balthazar asked. 

“I know, Zar.” Cas rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to say he wasn’t going to France, but Dean interrupted him and told Balthazar to hurry if he wanted to catch his plane to Turkey. Balthazar eventually backed off and the second Dean closed the door Cas fumed at him. 

“How could you do that? I was going to see a dig site where they have found treasures that is hundreds of years old! You can’t treat me like you own me!”

“Balthazar Novak? That’s the man you chose to get it on with? You know he’s stealing seventy percent of what they dig up, right?” Dean asked his voice a lot louder than before. He ignored anything Cas said to point out this about Balthazar. 

“It’s none of your business!” Cas ripped off his jacket and repressed the thought that he had actually had a feeling about that when he was in Balthazar’s apartment. 

“And Zar? Gotta say you’re real cozy with the man. How old is he now? Forty?

“You don’t get to say this stuff, Dean. I like him; he’s fun and treating me nice. And he’s not that old!” Cas insisted on standing up for himself. He might not be going away, but he didn’t have to let Dean get away with this. Cas was tired of all their fighting lately, but he couldn’t let Dean think he could repeat this in the future.

“He’s too old for you! At least you go for the rich ones. That’s good to know.”

Cas felt like he had been slapped in the face and stared up at Dean who stared back just as angrily. 

“I should have expected that from you, thinking I’m here only for the money.” Cas eventually told him after gaining some control of his racing heart and shaky hands. 

“Of course! What other reason could you possibly have for agreeing to a marriage like this?” Dean had raised his voice so he was almost screaming. 

Cas stared blankly at him. So they were finished with Balthazar that fast, huh? Obviously there was something else that was a root-problem that none of them were talking directly about. Cas thrust his hands forward into Dean’s chest so hard he crashed into the wall with enough force a picture fell to the ground. They didn’t even register that the frame broke and the glass break. A clear sign they were both really worked up over this thing.

“Fuck you, Dean! Just… F-fuck you so much!” Cas screamed at him and didn’t even realize he was crying.

“Cas…”

Dean reached out suddenly looking so sad, and the way he studied Cas’ crying eyes made Cas practically jumped out of his reach. 

“We used to be friends, Dean. Didn’t you know anything about me back then?” Cas whispered.

“Of course I did, Cas.”

“You coul—“ Cas sobbed and lunged forward at Dean again. His fists threw punches to his firm chest again and again until Dean wrapped his arms tight around Cas to make it stop. 

“You couldn’t have.” Cas whispered and put his forehead against Dean’s shoulder. Dean’s arms were strong around him and Cas was pressed tight against his body. Cas let his head fall to rest on Dean’s shoulder and a sob ripped from deep in Cas’ chest. Dean leaned his head against Cas and Cas’ lips brushed against the soft skin on his neck. Dean made a soft sound and let a hand stroke comforting over his back. For a moment they were as close as they had ever been. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t touch me.” Cas rasped and pushed away from Dean. They stared at each other, Cas with his face stained with tears and Dean looked so broken and lost. 

“Cas… I… we should talk about this…” Dean said with a strained voice like he was talking around a lump in his throat.

Cas’ eyes filled with tears again and he shook his head once before he turned around and walked to his room without saying another word and closed the door silently. 

***

For the next days the house was uncomfortably quiet. It felt like everyone was making an effort to be invisible. Cas usually met Molly in the kitchen but she was nowhere to be seen. Food was always ready and prepared, but it just seemed to appear. Molly wasn’t there for any kind of friendly conversation in the mornings. The same went for Brianna who usually would be somewhere around the house cleaning or dusting. Cas didn’t even hear her walk through the doors. 

Cas and Dean too made an effort to not be in each other’s immediate line of sight. Eventually though, they started doing things at the same time. Cas and Dean had breakfast together. They didn’t speak much or even look at each other, but they were there together. Sometimes Cas could feel that Dean was looking at him, but if that happened he just asked if he wanted more coffee or needed him to pass the sugar. Then Dean would focus on the paper again and Cas flipped a page in the book he was currently reading. There was a politeness between them that could make anyone squirm. 

Dean had tried to bring up the problem a couple of times, but if he did then Cas would just get up and leave or start talking about something else. One night he even knocked on Cas’ door and asked if they could talk about it and try to put it behind them. 

“Dean, there’s nothing to talk about.”

“Why are you avoiding me then?”

“I’m not! We had dinner together just a few hours ago.”

“Whenever I say something you ignore it or distract me.”

“That’s because I don’t think we need to talk about it.”

“Cas…” Dean sounded like he was going to beg. He looked frustrated and pulled one hand through his already messy hair. He seemed to realize though that he didn’t get anywhere with this so he ended up saying good night. 

 

In the middle of the week Dean mentioned that he would be flying to France Friday morning. It was clear from the way he talked about it that he didn’t expect Cas to come with him. 

“I’ll be ready in time.”

Dean turned to look intently at him. 

“What?” Cas asked. 

“I thought you said you wouldn’t go there is all.” Dean said. 

“You wanted me to come with me so unless you have changed your mind I’ll come.” Cas told him in an almost monotone voice. 

Dean used to look at Cas to try and figure out how to fix the thing between them, but he had no idea of where to start because there was so much. Lately Cas acted like a robot. They did more things together than they had in a long time, but they didn’t talk and if they did Cas was acting like he was looking at himself from the outside. He looked like a man that had given up on everything, and Dean wasn’t sure if that made him mad or sad. He knew he didn’t like it.

It scared Dean a little how far away they were from everything they should be, and deep down he hoped that a trip away would do them good. Maybe they could get a chance to have some time for themselves far away from anyone who knew them, and seeing new things could turn out to be refreshing. So instead of initiating a conversation on their private plane Dean let Cas curl around himself in one of the chairs to sleep and he settled with his tablet and did some research on this fundraiser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truth be told I struggled a bit with this chapter because I was moving too fast forward and didn't get absolutely satisfied with the way it turned out. I hope some of it turned out fine at least and that you liked it! 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	9. Tired and Lost

Cas found himself dressed and ready for dinner with Dean and a lot of other rich people Friday evening. They had checked into a hotel room that overlooked a park. It was warm and cozy and there was one big bed in the room and it felt like it was mocking their problems, but neither of them commented on it and instead they unpacked in silence. 

Cas was used to these kind of parties. Dean talked to a lot of important peoples like investors or potential customers and Cas was on his best behavior to play his part as a loving husband. The main event would be the next day where some people were going to talk about their projects, this night was all about getting to know each other and meet old acquaintances. In reality that usually meant getting drunk with rich people. 

Cas wasn’t actually against it, because for half the night Dean was there, introducing him to a lot of people he wouldn’t remember. He was included in conversation and since they were amongst a lot of high profile people both Dean and Cas focused on keeping up the act and didn’t get a chance to focus on their own problems. 

The other half of the night Dean would eventually get a little drunk, not much, he never did that with these people. When he got a little tipsy he would sometimes leave Cas to chat with other people, maybe flirt with some of the women and that was when Cas had the chance to sit down by himself and wait for the night to end.

Being alone had never bothered Cas and sitting by a table in the back he could pull out his phone and search for a book to read. Nobody ever noticed him sitting in the dark, or if they did no one ever mentioned it. 

That was before. This time he wasn’t that lucky. A woman wearing a red long dress with deep cleavage came walking up to him a short time after he sat down. Her hair was done perfectly but still looked loose and pretty around her smiling face. She had a glass of wine in her hand and for a moment Cas just looked at her to appreciate her beauty, because he thought she was going to walk past him. But then she stopped. 

“Mind if I sit down?” She asked with a pleasant British accent. 

Cas put his phone down and nodded. “Not at all.” He said. 

“I’m Bela.” She said as she placed her glass on the table and crossed one leg over the other. A split in her dress revealed nice toned legs with high heels in black.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Cas.” He smiled. 

Her smile was still really bright and her eyes teasing like she was keeping a secret. Around her neck was a necklace with diamonds and her ears was also showing off expensive jewelry.

“Did you not find anything of interest tonight?” She looked up at him.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you are sitting here all alone reading on your phone.” 

“I’m a plus one, not actually a part of this thing.” He answered and looked out the window. 

“Oh, that didn’t sound very positive.” She giggled a little. “We’ve all been there you know. I’m a plus one as well. Doesn’t mean I can’t mingle. Get some new friends.” 

Cas didn’t have anything to say to that so he looked around the room instead.

“So which one are you here with?” Bela smiled at Cas. 

It wasn’t hard to find Dean. He was standing by the bar talking with some older guy. He held his beer in one hand and supported his elbow against the counter. His body was facing forward in the direction Cas was sitting, but he didn’t think Dean was aware of where Cas was. 

“The one talking to the man in the grey suit.”

“Really? The pretty one?” Bela asked with surprise. “Why are you sulking over here then? At least I’m here with my father.” She told him. 

“This is more his kind of thing.” Cas muttered. 

Bela didn’t push for more information. Instead she started talking about Paris. She asked if Cas liked it here and when he told her he hadn’t been there before she insisted they met up the next morning so she could show him around. 

“I don’t know… Dean is…”

“Oh, I’m sure he doesn’t mind. And if he does you can just bring him too.” She smiled to him, and Cas got the distinct feeling she understood, that she noticed something was off, but she never mentioned it. Cas agreed to meet her and she told him where he could find her the next morning. 

Bela spent the rest of the evening with him. She talked a lot about her life and it turned out that even if she was there with someone she was also a woman that worked hard. Bela had a lot of things to share with him and since she was both smart and had traveled around the world she could provide him with images of beauty almost everywhere he could imagine. Cas still thought she was kind of cynical so he would have preferred to observe the places she criticized himself.

By the time they got tired Cas reached out his arm for her and led her to the bar where he told her good night. She leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on his cheek before she was on her way. Dean was still standing by the bar and Cas felt his eyes like they were a physical touch.

“Where did you go? I didn’t see you half the night, and then you show up with this hot lady.” Dean said as they walked back to the hotel.

“I sat in the lobby.” Cas said. 

“You smell like flowers.” Dean offered with a tight smile, but Cas didn’t answer him. 

Back inside the room they treated each other like strangers who were forced to share a room. They took turns in the bathroom and when they got into bed Cas settled on the edge on his side. For a while the TV was playing, but everything was in French so they didn’t understand much and Dean soon fell asleep. Cas got the remote from his hand to turn off the screen and tried to get some sleep. 

When Cas woke the next morning Dean was still fast asleep and he was really thankful. He took a shower and dressed fast. For a moment he stood in the room looking at Dean. He looked peaceful and young and Cas wished he knew how to work things out between them. It seemed like whatever they did, things got out of hand and they dug themselves even deeper into the crap. 

Dean took a deep breath and yawned like he was about to wake up, so Cas grabbed his wallet and phone before he rushed out the door. 

 

Bela was already there when Cas got downstairs and she immediately led him out into the sun. They found a small café and ordered croissants and coffee for breakfast and let the sun heat their backs as they talked about what they wanted to see through the day. 

Bela knew about most of the good places to go, so during the day Cas got to see pretty parks, walk through the best shops or malls and get the best coffee of them all. According to Bela at least. What Cas liked the most were a used bookstore he discovered in a small alley. He had spent almost an hour there just taking in the heaven around him. He found first editions of old dusty books and the smell of leather and old pages was heavy in the entire store. Cas could have lost himself in there with the beauty of it all but eventually Bela dragged him out of there saying they had to move on. Not until Cas had bought some of the books, one of them a collection of poems he was looking forward to read. 

Cas stepped into the hotel room with the remaining of the coffee he had for lunch and a few bags in the other hand. The room was quiet and after a short visit to the bathroom he sat down on the floor to go over what he had bought.  
He put his books in a stack next to him and thought he would have to find something to wrap them in so they didn’t get ruined on the flight back home. He hadn’t thought he had money to buy anything so he was mostly just looking through some of the stuff or carried Bela’s bags. Bela wasn’t taking no for an answer as she pulled him through the men’s section and picked out clothes for him to try. 

“You know, if you and your man have a bit of trouble, maybe all you need is some new clothes. He’ll look at you and forget all about... you know a fight or whatever is going on with you two.” 

“What makes you say that?” Cas asked her in a quiet voice and Bela grabbed his wrists and looked into his eyes. 

“It’s all in your eyes. Don’t worry I won’t tell. Everyone has their ups and downs.” She smiled at him with her head tilted to the side. 

“All I’m saying that it’s the little things that can help change that, believe me.” 

Cas wasn’t about to tell her it was a little more complicated than that, so he let her bring him clothes to try on and he actually found something he liked. Bela insisted he should wear it later that day since the event didn’t require a suit. 

Cas looked over his clothes again and thought it was all a little stupid, because why would it change anything? And why would he even think about wanting a change? They were at a place in their lives where they would just have to wait it out. 

 

Against his better judgment though, Cas still dressed in those clothes after a shower and walked out into the room. Dean had come back a few hours earlier and they had actually been talking about what they had been up to. 

They took turns in the bathroom and there was something in the air between them. Cas wasn’t sure whether it was a fight starting to break out, or if it was something else. The feeling did make him really tense so he made an effort to move around as invisible as possible. 

Cas and Dean walked side by side to the elevator and on the inside they were suddenly alone in the tight room. 

“Did you dress as a professor tonight?” Dean asked and smiled tentatively. 

“Um…” Cas flushed and didn’t know how to answer. 

“Looks good.” Dean added like a second thought. 

The elevator stopped and they got outside to catch a cab that took them to the location and Dean even opened the door for Cas as they entered the building. Once they were inside they both stepped into the roles they knew where Dean took the lead, talking to people. From time to time he let his hand rest on Cas’ back as he was introduced to someone or urged to comment on something. 

Eventually Cas grew tired of walking around and said he would head over to the bar and then he left Dean alone with an eager man talking about some auction. 

Bela came over to him after a while. 

“Where’s your man?”

“Don’t know. Took off with some overly eager salesman.” Cas shrugged his shoulders with a laugh and Bela laughed back at him. She sat down next to him and ordered a drink.

“Well then. We should wait here for him to come back.” Bela said in a chipper voice. 

Cas nodded and lifted his own drink but didn’t answer her. Chances were he wouldn’t even get more than a glimpse of Dean until they were about to leave for the night. 

Turned out he was wrong. As they sat there talking Dean came by to order a beer and almost at the same time there was a woman by his side. She was tall and beautiful with her dark long hair and she was very much aware of how her body looked which was dressed in a yellow dress with an impressive cleavage. Her smile was wide and her eyes teasing as she practically drooled all over Dean. 

Dean looked tense as he sent an awkward glance in Cas’ direction, but the smiling woman were feeling him up so he paid for the drinks and let her lead him in the direction they just came. 

When Cas looked up Bela stared at him with apologetic eyes. 

“God, I’m so sorry, Cas.” She whispered. 

Cas pursed his lips and wished it didn’t sting so bad in his chest. Or behind his eyes. He let his eyes fall back down to his glass. 

“Don’t worry.” He answered, but even he heard how tight it sounded. 

Bela sat next to him with a warm hand on his arm and she studied him for a while. 

“You know what? Let’s get a few shots to liven up this party, then we can go to the club across the street and just have some fun, what do you think?” Bela put up an encouraging smile that Cas returned with a small tug at one side of his mouth. 

“I’m in.” He nodded and they got the attention of the bartender who put a long row of shot glasses in front of them before filling them up. Bela raised her first glass and turned to Cas who did the same. 

“You ready?” She asked and when he nodded they both tipped their heads back and swallowed the content. They repeated until all of the glasses were empty. Cas let out a long breath and Bela leaned against his shoulder. 

Something about Bela reminded Cas of Charlie. Although, Charlie was a warmer more down to earth person there was something about the confidence and sharp wits that made them both someone Cas liked being around. 

When they had downed the second row of shots Cas and Bela was giggling and a bit unsteady as they stood up. Cas had a sneaking suspicion that Bela had slowed down on that last row meaning he had probably burnt through most of them. 

“Let’s head over to that club.” Cas said and nodded to the bartender who most likely was happy to see them leave. 

They were almost by the door when Dean came over to them in long strides and fight in his eyes. Bela muttered something about a control freak under her breath and Cas huffed a breath as he grinned back at her. She just rolled her eyes.

“What’s going on?” Dean asked and his eyes darted between Cas and Bela before they settled on Cas. 

“Dean, just in time! We’re going over to that club.” Cas pointed to the crowd on the other side of the street. “You want to come too?” He asked. 

“No! Who’s this?” Dean made a motion towards Bela who just glared angrily back at him. She didn’t have many nice words to say about him but Cas was between them and he put his hands on Dean’s shoulders. 

“It’s Bela Talbot. And we want to go have some fun.”

“Yeah, you’re drunk Cas. Why don’t you let me take you back to the hotel?” Dean tried with a smile but Cas took a step back and narrowed his brows. 

“I thought you were busy with that woman who draped herself all over you.” Cas said in a cold voice. 

“Oh, you’re really going to fight about that as you take off with this woman?” Dean hissed back. 

Cas wanted to pull his own hair and stomp his foot in frustration. They were always ready for a fight and it always felt like Dean wasn’t really seeing him or listening to what he said. 

“How can you say that?” Cas asked instead. 

“Really? She’s right behind you, isn’t she?”

“You don’t know anything, Dean, anything at all.” Cas said and swayed a little, maybe he was a bit drunker than he thought.

“I know what I see right in front of me!” Dean insisted. 

“But you don’t care about the things that matter. The fact that you know this about me. You knew when we married, and you even knew when I was fourteen years old and had kissed a boy for the first time. I’m not attracted to women. ” Cas let a hand rub over his eyes to try and hide the wetness in them. 

“Cas, don’t do this, not here.” Dean said suddenly his voice a little softer. 

“I know, because we have to look so damn perfect all the time.” Cas said and met Dean’s eyes before looking away. 

“Come on, I’m taking you back to the room.” Dean said and put a hand on Cas’ elbow.

“No. I was going out with Bela.” Cas tried to sound firm, but his eyes didn’t focus that easily. God, what had been in those shots, or rather, how many did he have?

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“You’re doing it again! Acting like you own me!” Cas had had enough and said the last part out loud enough that a few people around them turned to look. 

Dean let out a long frustrated breath. 

“We’re going back, now! And since you always say I don’t know anything you are going to tell me, and we can talk.” Dean told him with a lot more believable resolve. 

Cas wasn’t in a position to stand up against it when Dean wrapped an arm around his waist to support him and turned towards Bela. She was glaring at Dean and she wasn’t the least bit scared of him. It seemed like she wanted to say something but even she had to stand back against Dean’s arrogant stare. Besides, she didn’t even know what was going on between them, just that Cas was hurting. 

“He really does try.” Bela said as Dean walked past her. 

Cas let Dean support him into the cab, but he tried to put some distance between them once they were on their way. Cas stumbled out at the hotel and Dean growled and cursed at him for being so stupid, almost falling into the traffic.

Once they were inside their room Cas pulled away from Dean and headed for the bed. 

“You can just go out now if you want. I’m not going anywhere.” Cas muttered down into the pillow. 

“Why would I do that?”

“You must have that pretty woman waiting to get her yellow dress off.” Cas turned around on his back, but didn’t look at Dean. 

“No, I’m not going back to her, besides, she was there with her husband, so it wasn’t anything like that.” Dean came over to the bed with a glass of water and forced Cas to sit up. 

“Well, that doesn’t usually stop you.” Cas said as the tears in his eyes flooded over and trickled down his face. Suddenly Dean was there in front of him with his warm hands pressing softly against his face to wipe the tears away. 

“Shh, shh, Cas… shh, it’s okay.” Dean tried soothing him. He was sitting between his thighs and Cas couldn’t hold back a sob that ripped through him. 

Dean leaned closer and pulled an arm tight around him while the other hand was still on his face. 

“I’m s-so tired, Dean.”

“I know we’ll get some sleep.”

Cas shook his head. 

“I’m tired of this. The f-fighting a-and the f-feelings. I don't know how... Everyt-thing is…” 

“Hey, hey, shh, shh.” Dean kept him close so he wouldn’t get up or fall back on the bed. 

“Let’s get you out of these clothes and get some sleep, then we’ll talk, yeah?” Dean started undressing him and Cas let him. There was still tears streaming down his face, and occasionally Dean was there with a thumb or a hand wiping them away. Cas couldn’t help but think through his daze of alcohol and tears that he had never experienced Dean being this sweet and that just threw him into yet another wave of tears. 

Eventually Dean had undressed Cas and tucked him into the bed and walked into the bathroom. Cas wasn’t asleep yet when Dean showed up again and nobody said anything as Dean crawled into bed and wrapped an arm around Cas and pulled him close to his chest. The closeness was everything Cas craved for and he wasn’t strong enough to push Dean away no matter how foolish it was to seek comfort with the same person who caused it.

The last thing Cas heard before falling asleep was Dean’s breathing warm against his neck and sometimes Dean would make a soft sound and rock them back and forth a little.


	10. A chance to talk

Cas woke up the next morning to the smell of coffee, pancakes and Dean’s shampoo. He was alone in bed but he could see the top of Dean’s head outside the window. 

Cas sat up with a groan and Dean immediately showed up in the open door from the terrace. Dean was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and all the exposure of skin made it difficult not to stare. Cas knew that Dean was in good shape so it wasn’t that much of a surprise. It was more the fact that things once again were blurry between them and Cas was conflicted when all he wanted was to let his hands run over that body. Cas swallowed and forced his eyes to look at the trolley with food on instead. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Like crap.” Cas’ voice was hoarse. He stood up on wobbly feet and walked over to the table with food and grabbed a glass of orange juice. Dean handed him painkillers and Cas thanked him without really meeting his eyes. 

When he got out of the shower about half an hour later, Dean had carried the food outside and Cas briefly thought about going downstairs for breakfast, but he couldn’t be that much of a coward. So he pulled his shorts on and grabbed a shirt before walking outside. The heat wrapped around him immediately and he walked to the edge of the terrace and looked down. 

It was Sunday and a lot of people were already in the park. Children were running around playing and laughing. Some was resting in the grass hoping to get a tan, some read books under the trees and others just sat there looking around enjoying the peaceful day. Cas looked over his shoulder and as he predicted Dean was looking at him. There was a chair next to Dean’s and the table was in front of those chairs as opposed to between them. Cas sat down quietly before it got awkward and grabbed a cup of coffee.

Breakfast was a quiet affair. They sometimes commented on what they saw in the park and Cas thanked Dean for ordering the food up to the room. Otherwise they sat in their own thoughts. Cas remembered most of what had happened last night, and worst of all was his crying. He had broken down in front of Dean and practically cried himself to sleep in his arms. He wondered what Dean thought about that. 

“Cas, I made a reservation on this room for a few more days, I thought we might spend the day figuring out what we want to do next.” Dean said when the coffee was cold and the pancakes were gone. Cas felt his shoulders tense. What did Dean even mean by that? Was he going to talk, or maybe make another plan for the rest of their time together? 

“I mean, if we wanted to go somewhere else, we should just take the opportunity while we’re here, right?” Dean told him. 

Oh. 

“You mean like… stay here in France?”

“Yeah, take a vacation or whatever.” Dean nodded and sat forward with his elbows on his knees. Cas noticed how green Dean’s eyes looked and that his freckles was more evident after just a few days in the sun. 

The knot in Cas’ stomach loosened, but only a little. He would still have to be there with Dean, and eventually they would have to talk through some stuff and Cas had no idea what he was going to say. Or how to do it without getting into another huge fight. Everything was upside down these days and he was so tired of fighting, he didn’t know if he was able to do that anymore. And having to talk to Dean would most likely result in more yelling, more pain and more crying. 

 

The first day they actually did spend together. Neither of them wanted to bring up their troubles so when they headed outside they strolled down the street, visited a park and eventually sat down at a bakery with coffee and sweet pie. Dean wouldn’t shut up about the lemon pie, and the nervous tension between them eased off a little at a time making the whole thing easier. 

Both of them seemed to like the tentative truce between them and while they talked it was about stuff that was safe to bring up. Most of the day was spent outside and Cas wasn’t sure what would happen once they got inside. Where they would have to be a lot closer to each other with nobody else around. 

Cas was still feeling tired from last night so Dean suggested they bought some food they could take back to the room. They sat down in front of the TV and ate take out while watching a show. 

A part of Cas liked this, that they did these things together because he knew it could have been very different. Dean could have been out with someone else or they could have been fighting. A different part made him a bit restless from the atmosphere around them. The tension was even tenser than it had been during their honeymoon. 

Their honeymoon was a lot easier because they were both at the beginning and didn’t know how much of a mess they would make of each other. This time the tension was weighed down with everything that had happened in the years since the honeymoon and neither of them was really keen on digging into it.

Dean sat down with his computer and Cas picked out one of his books and he was able to forget about all of it for a while. An unbidden thought crawled into Cas’ mind and he imagined that if things were different between them this would probably have been normal for them. Doing their own things in each other’s company. Cas took a deep breath and forced the thought to go away. 

“Cas, look at this.” Dean turned the screen towards him. 

“What am I looking at?” Cas looked up to meet Dean’s green eyes. There was a small smile on his lips and he let his tongue run over his lower lip before answering. Cas wanted to bite it. 

“Monte Carlo.” Dean announced in an excited voice. Cas tilted his head to the left. 

“It’s only about a ten hour drive down there and I always wanted to go.” Dean said. 

“So I thought maybe we could rent a car and take a few days to drive there and look around.” He continued. Cas stared at him. Monte Carlo? So he wanted to walk around with a bunch of rich people. Cas definitely didn’t like the idea much, but he figured maybe the drive there could be worth it. There was a lot of beautiful places on the way there so Cas nodded. 

“Sure, yes. I would like to drive there.” Cas told him and Dean flashed him a smile that was almost really happy. 

 

Cas and Dean packed their stuff and checked out of the hotel early the next morning. Dean had arranged for renting a car and even if they technically could drive there in just a day Dean said he wanted to take the smaller roads and have a look around. Cas tried not to think that in doing so they would have to spend even more time in the close confinement of the car. 

The first day they had barely gotten out of Paris before they stopped and ended up spending the entire day walking around in a valley. Since it was close to Paris it still was pretty modern, but the little stores and welcoming people made it easy to walk around and the time just went by. 

After checking into a room in a cozy little house they dressed and walked down the street to find a place to eat. They found a local place which was packed with people and they talked about the food in that place, about the people in it and about their little trip. 

Cas realized as they wandered back to the hotel that night that this was the first time they ever did anything together that wasn’t expected of them since they got married. Both of them had been drinking wine and Cas felt relaxed and calm like he hadn’t done in a long time. At least not with Dean. 

It felt like Dean thought the same about how they were together doing nothing in particular. Being around new places and new people had the effect that they always had something to talk about. Like at breakfast the next morning they watched a young couple sitting by the table with a map covering most of the table. Dean made a bet about how long it would take until her glass of orange juice was pushed off the table by their enthusiastic gesticulating. Cas had to look the other way not to laugh when that finally happened and her husband was making excuses to the waiters who just cleaned it up and told him not to worry. Dean wiggled his eyebrows with a pleased smile that Cas returned without even thinking about it. 

 

The third day, after spending almost the entirety of the second day on a hike because the weather was so nice, they were back on the road. Last night had been a surprise for Cas since he never really considered himself, or Dean, as someone who liked spending a lot of time away from civilization. Turned out that they actually enjoyed it. Dean mostly wanted to get to a vantage point over a river, while Cas snapped pictures of birds and flowers with his phone camera. 

“So I thought maybe now that we have to sit here for a while maybe we should talk.” Dean said and looked over at Cas. He was serious, but he didn’t look angry or annoyed.

They were back on the road, driving on the highway which mostly gave them a view of other cars and gray concrete. The radio was playing French music otherwise the car was quiet. Now that they were away from any distractions like pretty architecture, nature or food or what not the tension seemed to have found its way back. Cas was very much aware that nothing was fixed between them. There was a lot to figure out and they had issues that were pretty obvious. Up until now neither of them had ever addressed it directly and since Dean mentioned it Cas felt the tension get more than just a weight in the back of his mind. He wasn’t sure how any of it would end, but placing a bet on a stressful and bad fight would probably be the safest. There was at least three hours until they would get off the highway so he had absolutely no chance of getting away. 

With a glance over to Dean Cas was certain he couldn’t see any sign of the stress he was feeling. Dean was resting one arm on the window while the other held loosely on the steering wheel. Cas told himself to just calm down and breathe. 

“You alright there, Cas? You get car sick?”

“No, no, I’m fine.” Cas assured in a weak voice and Dean nodded once, not really buying it. 

“I just want to talk, Cas.” Dean told him and Cas fiddled with a jacket he had in his lap.

“Sure, about what?” Cas managed to spit out. 

Dean was quiet for a long time as he stared ahead and Cas realized he had been wrong. This was affecting Dean as much as he affected him. Good, then maybe they were on the same page for once, at least in this. 

“Well, I want to ask you what you mean when you say I don’t know anything. Because I know things aren’t that great between us, so I do know something.”

Cas looked out the window on his side to hide the blush that forced its way into his face. He couldn’t do that. The times he had said that to Dean was when he was drunk or really angry, and that was the only moments he would admit to his feelings. Eventually he looked straight ahead instead. 

“What else do you want to talk about?” Cas asked in a tight voice. Hoping that Dean would let him off the hook and move on to something else. 

Dean glanced at him before he finally decided to let it go for now and took a deep breath. 

“Okay. I realize we have been arguing a lot about money and I wanted to tell you I might not have been handling it that well.”

“Handling what?”

“How I talked to you about your studies, for one thing.”

Cas pursed his lips and kept staring at the car in front of them. He didn’t know what to say. It still hurt him, the words Dean had said and that he didn’t believe in him. 

“Because I shouldn’t have attacked you like that, and I don’t think it’s a waste of money.”

“It’s easy to say now that you know I’m spending my own money.” Cas told him in a low voice. Dean tightened his jaw. 

“I guess I deserved that.” Dean answered and his hands were gripping harder around the steering wheel. Cas felt his chest tighten at that afraid Dean would start yelling at him.

“My point is that I was surprised. I didn’t know you were studying, and I had given you that card so I thought you were using it.”

Cas took a deep breath. His shoulders were tight and he had a knot of tension in his stomach which made him want to throw up. 

“But you gave me that card! Why would you be mad if I were actually using it?” Cas looked at Dean who took a deep breath as he let a hand rub over his face. 

“Why shouldn’t I? Almost every single friend I had or have is all hanging around in the hopes that I will finance big or small stuff for them. You agreed to marry me after my father told you how it would work. That you would live in my mansion and you wouldn’t have to actually deal with me. Plus you would have access to my fortune, at least part of it.”

“I didn’t really agree to anything until you did.” Cas said looking at Dean. Did he really think he waited to learn what he could get out of it before he agreed? 

“Yeah, well I already knew you would say yes by then.” 

“How could you know that?” 

“I knew, because you needed it. You were living above an Indian food place; you worked with a fryer and had nothing much really.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

Dean let out a long breath and glanced quickly over at Cas. 

“Really? You need to ask that?”

“Yes I do.” Cas said in a firm voice.

“You had practically nothing and were offered everything! You didn’t even have to like me. As long as you kept your part of the bargain by pretending to be in a relationship with me, then you could do anything you wanted.” Dean sounded so sad about it.

“Yes, I know about how my life was, Dean. But what made you think I didn’t like you?”

“I never said that. I just know that after we moved in together things were different.” Dean sighed and for a moment he looked tired. Like he was tired of being on guard for anything around him.

“We grew apart.” 

“No, Cas. We had our claws out; we wanted to make sure the other didn’t misunderstand our intensions. Or that people around us would notice.”

Cas wondered if Dean had known about his feelings when they were younger. He never asked and he wouldn’t take that chance now. He didn’t think it was possible to get back what they had ruined in such a short time. 

“I did everything you asked of me. I came with you to parties and charities or whatever. It didn’t occur to me to argue about it even if I knew I didn’t fit in.”

“You fit in just fine, Cas.” Dean mumbled. 

“No, I’m not brought up in it like you. People around us always stared and sometimes they talked about it, how weird it was of you to choose someone like me to marry, someone so beneath you. So I did what you told me, but nothing more.” Cas said. 

“You shouldn’t care about that kind of gossip. This marriage is an arrangement after all.” Dean reminded him and Cas nodded slowly and pressed his lips together to try and keep his eyes dry. He had been crying enough in front of Dean, he should be able to pull himself together. 

“Yeah, I’m aware.” Cas whispered when he felt Dean looking at him waiting for an answer. 

“Cas… I… I’m sorry if the gossip upset you. I didn’t want you to feel bad about it. I just thought that since we weren’t in a real relationship those words wouldn’t mean anything.”

Cas bit his tongue until he could taste iron and he refused to look at Dean. He knew he could be strong enough not to break at this point; after all, he did have practice. 

“Cas?”

“Yeah, I-I don’t want to talk about it.” Cas said and sent a smile in Dean’s direction that was supposed to be convincing. 

Cas could feel that Dean was glancing over at him several times but he never turned to confirm it. Dean didn’t say anything for a long time while Cas focused on breathing evenly and keep his tears at bay. 

It wasn’t a surprise and it never had been because Cas knew exactly where he and Dean stood when it came to what they felt. He knew he may be having some feelings that weren’t returned. He would probably never get totally rid of them either. 

And how could he? He couldn’t forget about that young guy with the confident smile who picked him up with that noisy car. The way he laughed and seemed so free and happy. It didn’t matter that now, at thirty, he had lines in his face to show his life wasn’t easy, his eyes didn’t smile as much and he didn’t spend an entire weekend carefree sitting on the hood of his Impala. To Cas he was still a beautiful man with a lot more to show for than he let anyone know. Cas knew because he was paying attention, and no matter how bad their fights had gotten and how unhealthy their situation was he couldn’t bring himself to resent him for it. 

“Cas, we have a chance to talk here, alone. Tell me, Cas. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

“I can’t do that.” Cas whispered. 

“Why is that?”

“Because it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to talk about it.” Cas knew he sounded almost desperate and he was. He was desperate to not have to be met with rejection so he turned to look at Dean. He had tears in his eyes again and Dean stared at him for a while. Concern and frustration flickered over his face before he eventually nodded slowly and turned his head forward again.


	11. A little extra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week has been crazy so this chapter came together a bit later than I would have liked. I hope some of you are still with me and haven't abandoned the ship just yet ;) 
> 
> Anyway, here is a new piece and I hope you like my little extra !

Nothing was really fixed at all during their talk. Cas was aware that they probably would have to talk about it again if they wanted to figure something out. Still, it was a start and it was a good one. They hadn’t yelled at each other and they had actually listened for once. 

The rest of the drive was quiet and they didn’t seem to mind. Cas had a lot to think about and Dean probably did too. 

It was getting darker outside and less cars on the road. Dean had turned off from the highway and announced that it wasn’t long before they would start driving down-hill towards Monte Carlo. He had booked a room the same morning at a hotel by the sea. Cas could only stare at Dean. It had to be really expensive just to buy a bottle of water in this place and Dean intended to sleep there. Well, Cas wasn’t about to question what he did so he shut up and looked out the window. 

Dean pointed ahead where the lights from an amazing view were shining up at them. Cas couldn’t help a little surprised gasp at the sight and he heard Dean chuckle next to him. Cas didn’t care. He hadn’t been anywhere in his life and it was absolutely beautiful. 

It was light everywhere on the tall buildings and it was like they were competing on outshining each other. The road leading through the city was clear and Cas never thought a place like this could be that great. 

Dean stopped on the side of the road and got out of the car. Cas followed him to the edge and they looked down together. It was mostly silent around them apart from a little bit of chirping of late night birds. A few cars passed them by and far beneath them there was a faint sound of a busy nightlife. 

Dean grinned when he looked at Cas. 

“You like it?”

“It’s really something.” He confirmed. 

“Alright. Let’s find our hotel and then we can head out for some overpriced food.” Dean chuckled to himself and like it was something they were used to, he placed a hand on Cas’ back to lead him back to the car. His hand was resting low on Cas’ back, like an impulse he didn’t really think about. Cas tried not to tense up and just enjoy it. 

 

The hotel wasn’t one that was all the way down to the ocean and therefore not the fanciest one, but that depended on who you were talking to. The hotel did have a great view and the room itself was really nice. It felt like a small apartment, with light and soft furniture. It had a balcony and on the table in front of the couch were several magazines and a bowl of fruit. 

Cas had never been to a nice place like this before. He knew that Dean’s house was pretty fancy, but this was like they wanted to show off the luxury, because that’s what they thought people wanted. And it probably was too. Cas never really thought it was something he needed, but it was nice, he had to admit to that at least. 

Dean on the other hand seemed very comfortable with it. He knew how these places were and how to behave. While Dean was in the shower Cas turned on the TV but he was exhausted from the drive and the tension and it wasn’t long before he fell asleep. 

A hand on his shoulder woke him up. Cas was still a bit groggy from sleep and for just a moment he was leaning into the warm touch. He opened his eyes slowly and all he could see were blue jeans tightly hugging strong thighs and for a second he couldn’t help that his eyes traveled further up to his crotch. His head woke up then and he looked up and realized who sitting on the table in front of him. His hair was still a little wet from his shower and there was a small almost fond smile on Dean's face that was a long time since Cas had seen. 

Cas gasped and scrambled up in sitting position on the couch as he tried to catch his breath. He felt how his face heated up and he swallowed hard.

“Whoa, Cas. You okay?”

Sure, yeah he was totally fine. He had been woken up with a warm hand on his shoulder and stared at the man’s crotch. Instead of daring to use his voice he just nodded and stared pointedly away from Dean. 

“You wanna just stay in for the night?”

“No. Um… I’ll get ready.”

“Sure. But we can. Stay here I mean if you’re tired.” Dean told him and Cas lifted his eyes to look at him. 

“I’m fine. Really. Just give me a minute to get ready.” Cas got up and tried not being too self-conscious when he felt Dean’s eyes run over his body. 

 

Dean was leading the way to a nice place to eat. Cas didn’t think they would get in anywhere since they didn’t have a reservation, but clearly Dean had his tricks because when he finally found a restaurant he wanted to try it wasn’t long before they got a table. It wasn’t the very best placing but, at least they didn’t have to wait for hours or get a table by the door. 

It was sad to think about but it seemed like this trip was filled with first times for Cas and being out like this with Dean had yet to become a common thing. The menu was advanced, but at least Cas was able to find something he recognized. Being on all the different kinds of events with Dean had given Cas some sort of education on menues. 

When the waitress came around to ask them what they would like to drink Cas shot an almost desperate glance at Dean. He drank wine and knew what he liked, but he had never been at a restaurant ordering this stuff, and instead of dwelling on the feeling of inadequacy he just waited for Dean to place the order. 

“Why do you look so scared?” Dean asked with a little smirk. 

“I’m not scared.” Cas rolled his eyes and Dean just chuckled. 

“Fine, then what makes you look desperate like this?”

Cas glared annoyed at Dean. He didn’t have to point it out like this. Cas was very much aware of what he lacked in experience. Still Dean kept looking at him with his beautiful green eyes and a little smile pulling at his lips. Cas just ended up looking around the restaurant instead with a little annoyed huff. 

“Cas, I’m not laughing at you.”

“Yes, you are but its okay. I’m aware that I don’t really belong in a place like this.” He tightened his jaw.

“It’s not that, not at all.” Dean insisted and looked like he had to take a few breaths to not get too worked up.

“Yeah?” Cas turned back to look at Dean. The waitress chose that moment to appear with the wine and Cas just glared at the table as she filled their glasses and proceeded to ask if they had decided what they wanted to eat. Her cheery smile faltered just a little at the way Cas was glaring and at Dean’s seriousness. 

“I’d like that fish soup and then a steak for dinner. We’ll get back to the dessert.” Dean told her and she nodded with a smile before she turned to Cas. He asked for the soup as well and chicken for dinner. 

The silence that grew in the waitresses wake was almost so heavy Cas thought about getting up to visit the bathroom. Then Dean looked up at him. 

“You know why I wanted to come here?” 

Cas shook his head and met Dean’s eyes. 

“Because my father used to talk about when he and my mother came here when they were young.” Dean said. He was looking down at the table and fiddling a little with his knife. 

“They did?” Cas asked just to let Dean know he should keep talking. He never mentioned his mother but Cas knew it was a dark memory for Dean as she died when he was just a child. It had probably been even worse after John died but by then they didn’t really talk about anything. 

“A few times. My mother liked it here. According to dad they used to rent a little house just outside of the rush of this place to have some privacy.” Dean smiled and Cas gave him a smile back for some support. Dean didn’t talk more about his family, but Cas was okay with that. 

“But what I don’t understand is that you care so much about not fitting in.”

Cas stared at him. “I’m not trying to fit in.”

“I know, but you still feel bad when you feel like you don’t.”

“Yeah, well…” He shook his head. 

“Do you want to be more like these people?” Dean made a motion with his hand around them. Most of the people in there were dressed perfectly; they laughed with fake laughs and talked about stuff that Cas never felt interested in. He looked at Dean. Before, when they were younger he never thought about Dean’s status or the fact that his family was nauseatingly rich. Dean always was… just Dean. 

“Not really.” Cas eventually muttered and was about to look down when he noticed a grin on Dean’s face. 

“So why feel bad about it? It’s just a bunch of overly self-aware people running around thinking they mean something just because they have some money.” Dean said and his voice was harsh. 

“They are so full of themselves and what they do; they crave attention and think everything just comes to them because they asked for it.”

Cas was so surprised at his outburst he practically gaped at him. Dean didn’t sound angry, it was more like he wanted Cas to know he didn't think of himself as one of those rich people. 

As their food came to the table they started eating and Dean kept talking about the people around them. How he thought that the woman in her gold colored dress was over the top and she just begged for attention. A man sat with his phone looking important and Dean said he was willing to swear he was looking for someone to hook up with on tinder because he didn’t have the balls to actually engage in a real conversation. 

Cas had to laugh at some of his descriptions and Dean smiled at him like he used to when they were friends. 

“I’m not saying it goes for everybody. A lot of these people are probably really cool and does a lot of great things. I’m just not convinced I really want to be a part of all of it because there’s a lot of crap to it.” Dean finished and Cas thought about what he said earlier about his friends. 

 

When they finished eating Dean said he wanted to pay for their food and Cas almost asked why they weren’t having dessert, but he stopped himself at the last minute and let Dean take the lead. 

“I looked at the dessert menu and gotta say, it wasn’t that great. Hopefully we’ll find something somewhere else.” 

Cas smiled at that. If there was one thing he really knew about Dean it was that he loved desserts and sweets. He seriously couldn’t get enough and he demanded it was like the best there was. To Dean an expensive bowl of some neatly arranged cream filling wasn’t always the best. He would much rather go for a crunchy and tasty pie. 

They walked side by side down the street. There were a lot of people around them, coming and going from restaurants. Dean stopped with a pleased sigh when he spotted a place which only served desserts. The place was called ‘A Little Extra’ and when they crossed the street and stood in front of the place a heavy smell of deep spices like cinnamon and anise lured them in. 

Dean got them a table and while they started looking through the menu he ordered wine. Cas looked over at him and his eyes were sparkling like a child in a toy store. He was beautiful like always and Cas was actually having a great time. He wondered if things would stay like this, a little better, when they came home. A part of him wanted to believe it would, but back home everything was different and it would be easy to just drop back into their old habits. 

“Damn! Look at this, Cas. They’ve got cake in almost any form, they have chocolate mousse and pie. I think I’ll just stay here for the night.” Dean looked up at Cas and the eagerness in Dean’s face made it almost impossible to look away. It held on to him and Cas had to swallow and cling to his glass. 

“What do you want?” Dean asked. 

“I think I want to try that lemon cheesecake tart.” Cas said hoarsely. 

“Oh, yeah, that looks great. I think I want to try a chocolate praline with whiskey and salted caramel.” Dean’s eyes were almost swimming he looked so happy and Cas had to lift the glass to his lips with a sweaty hand. God, he was pretty. 

The waiter came and took their order and filled up their glasses and they were left to themselves again. As the dessert arrived they both got a glass of whiskey that the place recommended and Cas felt almost as excited as Dean was. 

At the first bite Dean moaned. An actual moan that dripped of sex and the people at the table closest to them turned to glare at him. Dean had his eyes closed and there was some chocolate on his bottom lip. All Cas wanted in that moment was to lean in and lick that from his lip. 

Dean opened his eyes slowly and locked his gaze to Cas’ and his smile was lazy. Cas was caught and he knew Dean was very much aware that he was staring. When Dean let his tongue run over his lower lip he never let his eyes slip away from Cas. Cas felt how his eyes widened slightly and his heart picked up the pace until it was hammering so hard in his chest he was sure Dean heard. 

Cas blushed and was finally able to pull his eyes away and he didn’t take the chance on looking at Dean for a while. 

“Man, I can’t believe we haven’t done this before.” Dean said. They were both finished with their desserts without further incidents. 

“Done what?” Cas whispered. Their glasses were empty and Cas didn’t know how much he had been drinking but he was definitely feeling it. Dean’s adorable rosy cheeks told him he was feeling it too. 

“This. Hanging out together.” 

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Cas were leaning back in his chair feeling sated and relaxed. 

“What went wrong? Cas, what happened?” Dean rested his elbows on the table and looked intently at Cas. 

Cas shifted in his chair and averted his eyes but Dean reached out and placed a hand on his arm. Cas looked down on his arm before he met Dean’s eyes. 

“What didn’t go wrong?” He asked with a tired sigh but he noticed something resembling hurt fly across his face before it was gone and Dean shook his head a little. 

“No, it wasn’t like that. You can’t say it was.” Dean squeezed his arm just a little and his eyes were almost pleading. 

“But I don’t know. I don’t know what I did wrong. Because somewhere I must have done something that made me-“ Cas pulled his arm away from Dean’s warm hand and stopped himself before he finished the sentence. He had been about to say ‘that made me lose you’ but he couldn’t say that, not to Dean. 

“What? You didn’t… Do you think- Cas, look at me.” Dean insisted, but Cas shook his head. 

“Let’s head back to the hotel, okay?” Cas asked in a quiet voice and Dean didn’t waste his time. He paid for their dessert, tipped them generously and headed for the door. 

“Cas, you’ve already given away there's something, and now I need you to talk about the rest.” Dean pressed when they started walking back to the hotel. 

For a long time they walked side by side without saying anything. Dean tried getting him to talk by asking different questions about what he meant when he said he had done something wrong, but Cas just denied his theories. He didn’t come up with his own though so Dean just kept going. 

When they reached a vantage point just a few hundred meters from their hotel Cas walked out to the edge and let his hands rest on the cold concrete. He could feel Dean’s presence behind him and he wanted so bad to say something. He just didn’t know how to start or even what to say. 

“I’m just hanging here. If you think you did something wrong I really want to know what you think it is. Cas, please, I want to work things out between us, but if we don’t talk then nothing will ever change. You know that.” Dean was standing next to Cas. 

He wasn’t looking at the view, but at Cas. Cas turned toward him still with one hand on the fence. His stomach made a flip and Dean kept looking at him. 

“I never minded you, Cas. I don’t mind living with you and I know I haven’t made it easy for you, but I never meant to make you think you had done something wrong.” Dean spoke softer now and his eyes were so, so pretty. They were warm and a little shiny from their drinks, but together with his rosy cheeks and pink full lips he was absolutely stunning. 

Cas lifted his hands and placed them on each side of Dean’s face. He leaned forward and put his lips against Dean’s. His lips were warm and soft and Cas kissed him slowly just for a moment before he leaned back a little to look up. Dean’s eyes were wide and his lips slightly parted and Cas let his thumb stroke over his lip just once before he let go. 

“I liked you, Dean. A little too much. Always have. That’s what I did wrong.” Cas whispered. Dean didn’t say anything, he only kept staring into Cas’ eyes so Cas turned towards their hotel and didn’t dare look behind him to see if Dean followed him back inside.


	12. Friends that once were

Cas’ heart was beating loud and hard. He stepped back and forth inside their room and his mind thought desperately about why he had been so stupid. If things weren’t difficult between him and Dean before, everything would be hell from now on. Dean would freak out and send him back on a plane so he could get out of his life before Dean came home in his own plane. Or maybe they would have yet another shattering fight before they couldn’t take it anymore. Cas didn’t want to do this, and he had no idea why he hadn’t just said good night and walked inside like he should have. 

Except he knew why. All too well. Dean had been sweet to him lately, different. Nothing much, but they had done things together instead of heading straight home. When they talked things felt more like they used to before, when they were friends. And then he went and ruined that too. Dean had been so pretty, he always was, but tout there a little buzzed with that smile on his lips. Cas could feel his stomach jump again at the thought. At least, if things got really bad he knew now he knew what those lips tasted like. He wasn’t sure which was worse. Wondering about those lips without knowing, or know the taste without being able to feel them again.

Cas’ breath was coming fast and eventually he stumbled into the bathroom where he turned the tap on cold water. He splashed water in his face repeatedly before he groaned and reached for a towel. Cold water made him clear up a little. He could get over this, of course he could. They should get some sleep and then when they were sober they should talk to sort it out. He could say it was just the wine, and maybe if he were lucky, Dean would believe him or at least let it go with that.

Cas hadn’t heard the door open so he gasped and clutched the towel to his chest when he looked up and noticed Dean leaning against the door frame. 

“Dean, I… Oh fuck, how could- Dean I’m sorry.” Cas stuttered. He blushed and backed against the sink when Dean stepped into the room. He couldn’t look at him.

“Cas, relax. Hey, calm down, man!” Dean said and Cas tried to breathe a little steadier. 

Dean led them into the living room and they sat down on the couch. Cas was too afraid to say anything. He didn’t know what this was. He definitely hadn’t counted on Dean treating him like this. Careful and nice.

“You feeling better?” 

Cas nodded.

“Did you throw up? Please don’t say kissing me made you feel sick.” Dean said with a smile and Cas chuckled and blushed again. A glimpse of the Dean he knew, always able to turn an awkward situation around. To be able to laugh at it and relax just a little bit.

“No, of course not.” Cas’ voice was weak. “You’re not mad?”

“No. Why would I be mad?”

Cas shook his head and didn’t know how to answer. Dean sounded so friendly. Cas had no idea how to get out of this mess. The truth was out there now. It was sitting there fat and smirking between them and there was just no way to get past it. And Dean wasn’t even reacting like he thought he would. 

“Cas, tell me, why would I get mad at something like that?”

“Because I… I shouldn’t have done that. I went too far and didn’t even consider well… you know… that things aren’t that great between us. I mean, now it’s probably just about to get worse.” Cas rambled and pressed himself back against the pillows to stop talking. Dean frowned.

“Why would it get worse?” 

“Because Dean, that’s what we do. We get mad about everything and make things worse.”

“That’s not true!” Dean started to sound worked up and Cas wanted to point that out, but that was just the button which would make this blow up in his face. 

“Well, I didn’t mean to do it because I know where I stand with the arrangement between us.”

“What is it you think you know?” Dean sent him a glance and Cas felt how his shoulders tensed up with the promise of a fight looming. 

“I know that what you feel about me is all in that contract.” Cas said. 

“Oh, really, how could you possibly know something like that when we’ve never talked about this before?” Dean was on his feet walking back and forth along the table. 

“Well, in the car ride here you reminded me several times that our relationship weren’t real so I shouldn’t care what others said.” Cas reminded him and tried hard to stay calm. It hurt just to think about it, and talking about it was just making the ache in his chest worse.

Dean let a hand run through his hair and he took a deep breath. 

“As far as I knew the only reason you agreed to this was because of the contract and what you got from it.” Dean sighed.

“How could you think that, Dean? Did I seem like the kind of guy that does whatever I can to benefit from everything I do?” Cas ignored the sting at those words. What had happened between them?

“I was confused! And scared!” Dean screamed. 

Cas knew they shouldn’t have this discussion after a long day like this and with alcohol in their system, but it didn’t look like they were backing down now.

“Suddenly I had all this money and I had you who I was supposed to support! I didn’t know the first thing about marriage and even if I knew you, a lot of my friends changed around me, so why would you have to be different?”

“You used to know me! I hadn’t changed.” 

Dean walked back and forth several times. Sometimes he glanced over at Cas with eyes that were hurt and almost desperate. He rubbed his neck and sighed loud. 

“To me everything changed, Cas. Nothing was easy like it used to anymore.” 

“How?”

“How? I had a job, and even if I always lived in a family with money I never really had responsibilities before. It’s not that fun you know.” Dean stopped in front of the window with his back to Cas. 

Cas thought about their ‘honeymoon’ which had been in a little bungalow on a beach. Nobody knew where they had gone so they were totally alone. Still, they never did anything together. Cas spent a lot of time alone on the beach and in the evenings they ordered food back to their place. They talked about the arrangement and planned out the details. Then when they got back home and Cas moved in everything had changed. Cas was suddenly a total stranger living in a house with another man and the tension grew rapidly. 

“I know it wasn’t fun, Dean. But when I agreed to this arrangement I thought it was okay because we were friends. After we came back from that trip we weren’t friends anymore, but strangers.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yeah? We never talked anymore and no matter when I tried talking to you… I don’t know… we just never-” Cas swallowed but met Dean’s eyes when he turned away from the window to look at him. 

“Fuck, Cas… I… Don’t know what to say! It’s all just so damn hard! I had to figure this out, then dad got sick and everything went to hell.”

Dean looked so tired and sad, but Cas felt angry. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. Not at all. 

“I know, Dean. I was there, every step of the way! But you wouldn’t let me. I tried to help you, to be there, but you just… pushed me away.”

Dean shook his head, ready to protest. 

“Stop, Dean. Before all of this I was your friend. I still tried to be your friend, but even I had to realize you didn’t want that anymore so of course I assumed it was something I did.”

“It wasn’t.” Dean muttered. 

“How can I know that? Every time you looked at me your eyes went cold. You accused me of wanting nothing but your money and we forgot that we used to know each other before.”

Dean huffed a breath and sat down on the edge of the table like he had earlier that day. Cas couldn’t believe how long this day had been. The quiet in the room was almost unnatural. Nothing seemed to reach up to them and it was in the middle of the night, people were probably already sleeping. 

“I didn’t trust anyone but my immediate family, which was Dad, Sam and Bobby. They were the only ones that seemed to be like they used to.” Dean took a deep breath.

“Sam is the smart one between us, he should have been the oldest, the one to be responsible for the firm and for the family fortune. Sure, he got his part, but he can still live like he wants. So I got cautious I thought everyone trying to come close to me wanted something in return.”

“I did want something in return, but I didn’t want your money. You didn’t even try to be a friend.”

“I didn’t even know what a friend was anymore!” Dean yelled frustrated and he was up on his feet again. 

Cas rubbed his face with both hands and heard Dean sigh. 

“I know I messed up, but I just… fuck, Cas all of it changed, and I hate change!” Dean walked back and forth inside the room over and over again. 

For a long time they didn’t say anything to each other. Dean kept walking back and forth and Cas was starting to get a headache. He sighed and stood up. 

“I’m headed to bed.”

“Cas…” Dean sounded tired, but his voice was soft and Cas stopped and turned to look at him. 

“I want us to talk so we can figure out what we’re supposed to do know. I know I have hurt you-“

“Dean, just forget about what happened tonight.” Cas practically begged. 

“Cas-“

“No, it was a mistake I was drunk, it doesn’t matter.”

“Damnit Cas!” Dean was loud again. “It matters! You telling me... what you did, matters and you know it does.”

“No, because it doesn’t change anything.”

Dean walked over to Cas and didn’t stop until he was standing right in front of him, a lot closer than was considered normal. 

“Really? You think it doesn’t change anything?” Dean's voice was quiet and Cas felt his breath on his cheek.

“That’s what I know. We are both drunk, it just happened.” Cas couldn’t look at him but he needed to say it. To say the words so he could remember them, so he wouldn’t forget who he was and how it didn’t matter. Even if he still couldn’t forget the sweet taste on those lips. 

“Cas, look at me.” Dean said but Cas took a step back. 

Dean walked forward slowly and Cas was suddenly standing with his back against the door and Dean hovering in front of him. Dean reached out with one hand and placed it under his chin to lift his face so he had to look at him. Dean wasn’t angry, almost curious and was it hopeful? Cas wanted to get away from it, but he stood there unable to move, both from Dean’s eyes and his touch. For as long as they had been together, they had barely touched each other, and Cas longed to have Dean’s hands on him. He always had, and for years he had been so alone. A touch, a friendly and intimate like this was enough to make Cas’ strength crumble. So he looked at Dean like he asked and waited. 

“Why are you taking it back?” Dean asked and Cas was a little surprised at that. He didn’t expect Dean to say that. 

“I… We… Uh. Because. Because! It doesn’t matter!” Cas insisted when he finally found words again. 

“Yeah, it does.” Dean’s voice was calm and he looked directly into his eyes. 

“No, Dean. I stepped too far because I was drunk. The contract is still our arrangement.” Cas felt like they were just repeating it again and again and it still didn’t feel right. It was just words they said that didn’t mean anything anymore.

“You kissed me, Cas.” 

“I know.” Cas whispered and tilted his head so he didn’t have to meet Dean’s eye dead on. 

“But you are still going with the whole drunk deal and pulling the contract into this.” Dean looked a little defeated and Cas wondered why that was. Cas nodded to confirm what he had said.

“Right, so that’s it then? You blame the kiss on some wine and we’re back to where I’m just a name in the contract. ” Dean let go of Cas and as he backed away he didn’t look at him. 

Dean seemed tired and curled in on himself as he moved away from Cas. Even if he was annoyed with Dean and the way he made this into something ugly and bad, he felt cold now that he was gone, and he suddenly felt scared what those words could mean. Dean was still looking at Cas, but his eyes were almost motionless. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Cas asked, but it was too late. Dean shrugged his shoulders and his bright fake, yet familiar smile, was plastered on his face.

“Nothing. Let’s just head to bed.” Dean disappeared into the bathroom and Cas was alone in the quiet space. The dark hurt in his stomach made him feel wrong. Like he missed something that was there, right in front of him. 

His heart was beating again and the thought of things going back to what they were seemed even worse now that they had started to build on a tentative friendship between them. 

After they both were settled in the large bed it was pitch black around them and not a sound. Cas knew Dean was awake, but they were quiet on their respective side of the bed. There was a huge gap between them on the bed, but they stubbornly didn’t move an inch. 

“You’re not just a name in the contract, Dean.” Cas eventually whispered into the dark room. He heard Dean take a deep breath before it was quiet again. 

Cas didn’t take the chance to say anything else and it seemed like Dean had decided he was done talking. Cas stared up into the ceiling, or in the direction. He couldn’t even make out shadows in the room. 

“Why did you kiss me?” Dean’s voice suddenly broke the silence and Cas almost jumped on the bed. 

It was his turn to be quiet for a long time. He didn’t know how to answer, or what was the right thing to say. He eventually realized that it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter what he told Dean because it wasn’t like things were about to change. This night proved that. No matter what happened to them they didn’t seem to be able to talk without arguing. Right now thought they were both tired so maybe he should just go for it so they could forget about it and go to sleep. 

“I… I couldn’t help it. Um... You looked young out there, happy, and I wanted to.” He whispered as he felt his face heat up. Glad it was dark so Dean couldn’t see. 

“You… wanted to kiss me?” Dean asked like he needed to make sure he heard correctly.

“Mmm.” Cas hummed quietly. 

“Why?” 

Cas felt the movement in the mattress as Dean turned around to face him and even if he knew he couldn’t see him it still felt intimate and he tried to take a deep breath as quietly as he could. 

“I told you.” Cas said, not really wanting to repeat himself. 

“Told me what?” Dean asked and Cas listened to his voice, certain he did it on purpose. To make him squirm and blush. At least Dean couldn’t see that in the dark. 

Cas waited a long time. He felt his palms getting sweaty and he struggled to keep his breathing even. This was too much. It was a little bit too close and Dean was just lying there, breathing calm and smelling so good, all Cas wanted to do was snuggle in close to him. 

“I know what you said. I just want to know if you meant it.” Dean said eventually and Cas thought that maybe the couch was good enough to get some sleep. Instead he let his head rest on the pillow and he kept staring in front of him. 

“I did. Of course I did.” He said softly. 

“Since when?” Dean asked and he sounded wary. Silent. Like he wanted to keep talking but also afraid to break the peace between them at the moment. 

“Why does it matter?” Cas found himself turning on his side, facing Dean but he still couldn’t see him. 

“I want to know.” Dean was able to sound insisting even with a low voice and without his pretty eyes to persuade Cas. 

“It’s been a long time, Dean. Around the time you started to hang out with your other friends more. I think I was sixteen.” He whispered. Cas wouldn’t say he had been in love with Dean all whose years, but he definitely had a crush on him for a long time. 

The tension between them was practically visible in the dark room while Cas listened to Dean’s breath almost stop as he took in his words. 

“Really, that long?”

“How could I not? You were charming and happy back then. You cared about things around you and I was sucked right in.” Cas huffed a laugh. 

Dean let out a long shaky breath. 

“That’s why I got so mad when you said all I wanted was your money. I always thought you knew when we were younger. Even if you didn’t feel the same way we always flirted and it felt like you knew. I didn’t believe you could forget about all of that.” Cas talked in a low voice and got almost lost in it, the memories and the hurt from the time in between now and then. 

“Shh, Cas don’t cry. Shh, shh.” 

Dean was there with a strong arm around Cas’ shoulder. He pulled him close and Cas took what he could get. He pushed his nose against Dean’s chest, felt it rise and fall with his breath and smelled the perfect combination of soap, coffee, toothpaste and just… Dean. He hadn’t been aware that he cried and he didn’t sob, not really letting go, but Dean held him close and rocked him back and forth. 

“I knew when we were younger, Cas. God, I loved the attention! But I was afraid and stupid so I didn’t dare to do anything. Then I grew cautious and scared that everyone around me had an agenda, and I couldn’t take that chance, even with you.” 

“But why didn’t you talk to me? Why couldn’t you let me try?” Cas asked. He knew he was probably looking pathetic clinging to Dean like this, but this was it. This was the core of their problems, what made everything so difficult and wrong between them. 

“It was easier to keep to myself instead of figuring out that you only wanted my money and you know… the benefits in the contract.”

“What are you saying?” Cas pulled back just a little and Dean let him. He pushed up on one elbow and looked down where he knew Dean was. 

“That I fucked everything up because I was afraid to learn that you didn’t really want to be there because of me, but because of what I had. Just like everybody else.”

Cas felt anger pull in his chest. He wanted to scream at Dean, yell at him for thinking that and for not talking to him earlier, to at least try and find out. 

“It was easier to just keep the distance, because I knew I didn’t deserve what we had before. When every day in my house, you looked more miserable than the day before. And I did that, so I didn’t deserve your smiles.”

Cas had been listening to Dean’s pulse but he was suddenly aware of what he was saying. Of what he thought about them and even worse; himself. 

“Dean.” Cas didn’t know what else to say. In his mind Dean was strong and smart. He knew he used to have self-doubt but never like this. Never so hard on himself. 

Dean shook his head and wanted to pull back a little and he turned over on his back with one arm still out on the mattress towards Cas’ side. Cas moved closer to him. So close his chest were pressed against Dean’s side and part of his chest. Cas let his hand search slowly over Dean’s chest, over his neck and eventually cupped his face, almost like he did earlier that night. Dean was lying completely still, but he didn’t ask him to stop so Cas leaned forward and for the second time that night pressed his lips against Dean’s. 

It was tentative and slow, their lips brushing against each other’s and it was so good Cas’ heart was beating hard against Dean’s chest. When Cas felt Dean’s hand come up to land on his back he let out a soft whimper and ran his tongue over the seam of Dean’s full lips.


	13. Remember who you are

Dean woke up the next morning with Cas’ hair partly in his mouth and the man himself was sleeping with his back pressed against Dean’s body. Dean carefully untangled his arms to get up and Cas just made a complaining sound in his sleep but didn’t wake up. Dean headed into the shower and it wasn’t until he was under the hot spray that he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. 

Last night had been… well, a lot had happened. After they went to bed and talked Cas had kissed him again. It was surprising to Dean. Sure, he had known Cas liked him when they were teenagers, but he never knew how deep those feelings were. Cas never said anything and he mostly just treated him like a friend. Cas had also always been careful around Dean but last night he had kissed him twice, just went for it.

Cas kissed like a god and Dean couldn’t help but wonder where he learned that. If he had had a boyfriend who taught him, or if it had been several guys over the years. A burning in the pit of his stomach by that thought, made him turn off the water and go out of the shower. 

Dean had spent the last few years really caught up in his work, and he realized that he didn’t know much about Cas. He knew him when they were younger, but he had let some of that slip to the back of his mind. Dean knew that it wasn’t a good thing the way he pushed everyone to a safe distance, but he had always been protective. 

Cas had the right to be mad at him, Dean realized that. He hadn’t been a good husband, but it wasn’t like any of them complained. They had both lived their lives, right? Sammy’s voice sometimes appeared inside his head telling him that Cas wasn’t the person Dean thought he was, and even if that was annoying he knew deep down that his brother was right. Cas too. The man hadn’t changed much, and apart from a few slip-ups, like Baltnazar, Cas had been nothing but loyal to Dean. If he only knew how little of that he had gotten in return.

Dean stepped into the bedroom and pulled the curtains from the windows. It was sunny outside and already a lot of activity from people around them. Cas huffed in his sleep and Dean stood there for a while watching him.  
In their younger years Dean always found Cas attractive. He didn’t take the chance of acting on it but that was part of the reason he came back to him. The reason he still came by with a few beers and drove just outside of the city. The other reason was just because Cas was different from his other friends. Cas talked about his school and his friends. He could tell Dean about how elephants survived a drought in Africa or he wondered about what people in other countries was like. He often asked Dean about his travels to London, Rome or Wien. Cas didn’t ask if the girls were pretty or if Dean hooked up, like his other friends would. Cas simply wanted to know about their habits, their language, their food. 

Sometimes Dean thought Cas was a bit strange, but that was mostly after he had been too much with his other friends, the ones whose world revolved only around them. Then Cas would smile at him, that big smile on his pretty lips and his blue eyes sparkling with so much life. And Dean knew why he wanted to be around Cas, because Cas was real. He knew who he was, he could talk about real things and he cared about bees and had respect for religion. Cas was interesting. 

Looking at him now Dean wondered when that went away. When he started looking at Cas and see a man who wanted something from him. 

Cas was sprawled out on the bed, totally opposite of the way he entered Dean’s life. Normally he walked around silently not bothering anyone. Here he was lying with one arm out across Dean’s space and the other under his pillow, dark hair curling in his armpit. The cover was pulled down around his waist and showed a strong and lean body. Dean didn’t know if he worked out or where. How could he not know, they lived together! He felt a sting of bad conscience in his chest at the thought of everything he had ignored about him. 

Cas’ feet were spread wide under the covers and his hair was an absolute mess. Dean glanced at his lips and thought about last night again. Cas kissed him like he meant it. He didn’t hesitate, the moment Dean parted his lips he had been there with his tongue, exploring and tasting him. His tongue was skilled and his lips so sweet against his own. Dean had pulled him closer and when Cas had let out a soft moan when Dean met his tongue; Dean was completely hard in his boxers. 

Dean decided he couldn’t stand there looking at Cas the entire day so he dressed in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before he headed down in the lobby to get breakfast and a newspaper. It felt good being away from home. They didn’t lack sunshine, but this was different. Here they didn’t meet people they knew and they could just spend the day doing nothing. 

It was only a couple of days until they had to head home and Dean wanted to make sure they got the most of it. 

“Good morning, sir. What can I get you?” A woman with dark hair a stunning smile and brown eyes caught his attention and he instinctively grinned back to her. 

He got what he wanted and all the while this pretty woman flirted with him, sending him glances and meaningful looks. Dean knew perfectly well how he looked but while he headed into the elevator with a tray he tried not to meet his own eyes in the mirrors around him. Dean had always been a flirt, he was easy to talk to, to have fun with and people liked that. He had people coming on to him on a regular basis, and in his mind, when he didn’t have a real relationship at home, just an autograph in a contract saying he was married, why shouldn’t he have some fun? Nobody cared, right?

Except, now he was pretty certain Cas had cared. He was observant and so he probably knew that Dean not always came home at night or that he came home smelling like sex. Dean remembered his own feelings when Cas came home with hickeys on his chest after that horrible night and Dean hadn’t really been in touch with his feelings then and he still felt jealous and mad. Cas on the other hand had admitted he always liked Dean, that he had been interested for a long time. Dean wondered with a dark feeling settling in his chest, how much damage he had done. And if he were to try and fix it, would he even be able to?

 

Cas was already up when Dean came into the room. He stood by the kitchen with a bottle of water in a gray t-shirt and black shorts. His hair still a bit disheveled and he stared at Dean as he stepped inside with the tray. Cas’ eyes were focused on him and he looked so calm and Dean realized that Cas was still that strong confident man when he got things in perspective, when they weren’t fighting. 

Breakfast was silent but not in a bad way. They dragged chairs to the open door to get some sun on their bodies and Cas ate a bowl of yogurt and fruit while Dean ate his croissant and read the paper. Cas had a book balanced in his lap and he flipped the page now and again, sometimes he grabbed a pencil and scribbled in the margin or lined a paragraph. 

They put on shoes and walked outside just shortly after. They walked down the marina and watched people who were out there with them. It was a little strange, almost unsettling. They walked side by side, talked to each other about things around them, but never mentioned what happened last night, or what they talked about then. It felt like they were both waiting for something to happen, but neither wanting to be the one bringing it up. 

Instead they spent the day outside like they had in Paris. Walking around, taking a break to eat some ice cream, drink a coffee or just watch the life around them. Dean recognized the old Cas he used to know. The one who liked to talk about interesting stuff like how Cas pointed out that this place was cared for. Gardeners walked around tending to the flowers or patches of grass. It was fresh even if it was in the middle of the summer and everything could die from the sun burning. Before Cas mentioned it Dean didn’t really notice and he was glad he was able to see it after, it was down to earth and it was calming. 

How hadn’t Dean been able to see it lately, the way Cas was someone steady in his life. Someone with the ability to make Dean see things in a different way, see the small things and appreciate the things that mattered. 

The last two days were spent pretty much the same. Cas wanted to take advantage of the sun so they were outside most of the time. They found a park where they sat down, took off their shirts and picked out some books to read. 

“I don’t mind if you want to walk around or do something else while I’m here.” Cas said with a guarded look as they sat down. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Dean said in a firm voice but smiled at Cas before he pulled his shirt over his head. He was pleased to see that Cas let his eyes wander over his chest before turning towards his books. 

 

Dean watched Cas in the flight back home. He was curled up in one of the chairs with a blanked wrapped around his shoulders. He looked peaceful and satisfied. The dark look he had had in his eyes when they left for Paris not even a week ago were faded and he had gotten a healthy tan from a few days in the sun. 

It hurt Dean to know he had been the reason for Cas’ tiredness, but he hoped it would change and that they would be able to work better together from now on. Cas looked so relaxed and Dean was supposed to get some work done on this flight. Instead he sat there watching this beautiful man, wanting to bury his hands in that soft hair that smelled so good. 

The last two nights they had gone to bed and without a word both of them just seemed to go for it at the same time. So when Cas turned his back to Dean and moved to the middle of the bed Dean had put an arm over his waist and muttered good night into Cas’ neck. It had felt real then, like things could work out, like they both wanted to. 

 

It was late when they finally arrived at home and they both practically fell into their separate rooms and into some kind of coma. Dean woke up late the next day and padded into the kitchen where he found hot coffee and his favorite pancakes and bacon breakfast. He chuckled happy to himself and thanked Molly between his bites. 

He had barely gotten a few bites before Cas stumbled into the kitchen, hair wild and rubbing his eyes. Cas yawned and groaned softly at the end and Dean couldn’t help but stare and feel certain parts of his body make an interested twitch. Cas looked delicious like this, tired and dizzy with sleep and Dean had lately noticed how his body responded to this man, it felt good, right even. Almost like he had spent a long time with a hangover and finally felt like himself again where his head didn’t hurt anymore or his stomach wasn’t acting up. It was just like that, and he wanted to spend his days without a hangover.

“You okay?” Dean asked with humor in his eyes and Cas hummed in response. 

Molly came in then to fill up his plate with pancakes and bacon and she gave him a one armed hug before she welcomed him home. Cas smiled at her before he sat down next to Dean. There was a pile of papers and letters between them. 

“There’s apparently a lot to catch up on.” Cas commented with a gruff voice.

“Nah, let’s just open the ones that looks interesting and throw out the rest.” Dean said between mouthfuls and he couldn’t help but grin when he felt Cas’ eyes on him, squinting. 

“Hah, yeah that’s very funny, Dean.” Cas said and rolled his eyes but he was smiling when he turned to his plate and stabbed his fork into the pancake. Dean just chuckled at him before concentrating on his breakfast.

They talked easily, the tone was light and when Molly came into the room again she looked between them, from one to the other as if she tried to figure out what was going on. 

 

Cas headed into his room after breakfast and Dean did the same. After a shower he made a point of coming out into the hall when he heard Cas coming out of his own room. Cas had obviously showered as well. He had gained some control of his hair and he was dressed in black jeans and a gray t-shirt. 

“Where are you headed? I need to get into work so I can drop you off somewhere on the way if you want.” Dean said. He knew Cas had his own car, but he wasn’t ready to let go just yet. 

“Um. I’m good. Charlie’s coming over in a minute and we’ll just head down the street for a coffee or something.”

“Oh, sure.” Dean reached for his car keys from the bowl on their dresser by the door. 

“I missed you in my bed this morning.” Dean said and looked over at Cas. His cheek blushed hard and his eyes widened, but there was a smile playing at his lips. 

“Yeah?” Cas’ voice was merely a whisper and Dean felt a flutter in his stomach from how cute he was so he stepped a little closer to Cas. 

“Yeah, we should definitely do that again soon.” Dean said and noticed how Cas’ face was heating up again as he turned his face slightly away from Dean. 

He wanted to see Cas’ face, to be able to see his lips in a smile, his eyes so blue and wide and his cheeks all flushed. Dean hadn’t seen that on Cas since they were teenagers and he had almost forgotten how tempting that was. How good it felt to be able to do that. Dean placed his hand under Cas’ chin and pulled him back gently so they could look at each other. 

“Think about it at least.” Dean said close to Cas. He could even feel Cas’ breath against his face. “We could make it a permanent arrangement.” Dean whispered with a meaningful wiggle of his brows and leaned in to brush his lips lightly over Cas’ pink mouth.

“What?” Cas breathed and stared up at Dean. A rush of emotion showed in his eyes. There was confusion and hope and Dean was sure he saw a wall in there as well, something to prevent Cas from putting out there again, to believe in this. 

They were still standing close, staring at each other. Cas had grabbed Dean’s arm around the wrist, but he wasn’t pulling his hand away from his cheek. Instead he was leaning slightly into the touch. 

“Hey, Cas! Are you in- Oh my GOD!” Charlie had barged through the door and was standing in front of them with her eyes wide and her hands over her mouth. She kept staring from one to the other even if Cas had practically jumped away from Dean the second he heard Charlie. The blush was back in his face and Dean couldn’t help but smile. 

“Wow, Cas. Gotta say, not what I expected!” Charlie was still gaping, but she took the few steps towards Cas and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. 

Dean could only watch as Cas did the same. His arms strong and tight around her and he even closed his eyes with a happy smile while she hugged him. Dean wanted that. He wanted Cas to be as happy when he saw Dean, and he wanted to be able to put that smile on his face and earn that hug. 

Dean couldn’t believe he was jealous of Cas’ lesbian friend, but he actually was. He shook it off and said good bye to them and promised Cas he would be back in time for dinner. The last thing he saw before he closed the door was Charlie with her back against the door had her arms folded across her chest, but Cas’ eyes were on him at the door.


	14. Here's to second chances

Charlie sat across from Cas at the coffee place just down the street and she still wouldn’t stop talking about what she walked in on earlier. 

“I mean, he had his hand on your face, and you two were looking at each other like… like… you were about to kiss! Oh my god, did you? Oh! You did! Cas, I can’t believe it, how did it happen? I mean, when you left you were miserable. You had practically given up and now you look so good with that tan and you are smiling.”

“Charlie, stop talking, you’re gonna pass out if you don’t breathe.”

“How can I breathe when you two are snuggly like never before? Come one, I even was at your wedding and that kiss was almost painful to watch.” Charlie shuddered and Cas blushed and stared down into his coffee. 

“I’m sorry, but you know it was.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Cas shrugged his shoulder and didn’t want to talk about it. 

“So did you kiss before I got there?” Charlie sucked on the straw in her coffee. 

“I… no, not really.” 

“What does that even mean?” Charlie narrowed her brow. 

“Charlie… it’s not… I can’t talk about this.”

“Yeah? Why is that? Is it a clause in the contract against it or something?” She retorted but reached over to touch Cas’ hand the next second. 

“I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean it like that. Listen, I just… You actually blushed and looked a little excited with Dean there. Tell me about your vacation instead, key?” Charlie smiled and squeezed his hand apologetic as she smiled. 

Cas nodded and agreed to tell her about their days away because he loved telling something to Charlie. First because she was his closest friend, so he wanted to share it with her. Then she was always so invested in his stories. She cared about what he said and she interrupted him half the time with annoying questions, but it was who she was and Cas liked that. 

By the end he had told her everything even what had happened in the hall that morning when she walked in on them, just like Charlie most likely had predicted he would. 

“So he wanted you to come sleep in his room?” She whispered excitedly. 

“I don’t know, Charlie. It’s probably just some… you know… maybe he just said it to have something to talk about.” Cas didn’t want to make it bigger than it was because he knew he would just get disappointed. 

“Yeah, it sure looked like that when I came in.” Charlie rolled her eyes.

 

The next few days Dean and Cas had breakfast together before they headed to work and then they met up in time for dinner in the evenings. Dean had to ask Cas again before he came to his room. Cas felt different now that they were at home. Because here they had a routine they followed. One that was familiar to them both and it had worked so far. Well, not very well, but at least they knew what was going on when they found their own room at the end of the day. Going to bed together was intimate and Cas didn’t know what Dean expected from it. 

As it turned out Dean didn’t expect anything in particular, at least not to begin with. The first night they were in the same bed again they talked a bit about their day before they went to sleep. Close like they had done during their time away. 

Dean was at home a lot more than Cas was used to and suddenly he wasn’t alone when he sat in the living room watching TV or in the kitchen when he was baking something. Cas didn’t mind as long as they both managed to stay calm and not get mad like they had done so often in the past. 

Something seemed to have happened since both of them wanted to keep this peace, in addition Dean seemed to have an agenda for himself. Cas was sure he did. First off, he was home a lot more, then he talked to Cas, about big or small stuff and he often flirted and touched Cas when he walked past. It was nothing much, really, but Cas was more on edge when he heard Dean come into a room and felt him come closer just to stop behind him pat his shoulder as he leaned closer to ask if he was doing alright. 

Cas had to admit he also liked it. Dean was keeping his bright mood from their trip and he was also a lot more like the guy Cas knew when he was younger. That was also the reason he couldn’t resist him when Dean one night asked him if Cas could turn towards him in the bed. 

Suddenly they were lying there in bed facing each other. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“What?” Cas said softly. 

“Why did you agree to marry me? Was it because my father insisted, or that you wanted to help me or, what was it?”

Cas watched Dean who was lying propped up on his elbow resting his head in his hand. His face was covered in that beautiful constellation of freckles and his lips full and red. Cas still felt a stinging in his stomach. He felt that no matter what he answered to the question he would be the one giving away too much. 

“Why do you ask now all of a sudden?”

Dean reached out to push a stand of hair away from Cas’ eyes. 

“Just wanted to know, I guess.”

“Then why did you? You probably could have picked anyone.” Cas said and looked down at the last part. 

Dean put his head back on the pillow again and stared at the ceiling. 

“I did because I trusted you.” He eventually said and Cas felt a smile on his lips. Trust, that was a compliment at least. 

“I mean, my father was really mad about the situation, but he gave me a choice. I either married you or I started taking things more seriously.” Dean huffed a laugh at that and Cas remembered how Dean pretty much had lived day to day not caring one bit about what really happened in his life as long as he had fun. 

“It wasn’t like I couldn’t have picked someone else if I wanted to, but I didn’t. I knew that if I was going to marry there wasn’t anybody else around me that I could think of.”

Cas kept silent after that. He had known all of this before. He knew there hadn’t been love from either of them when it was arranged so it wasn’t a surprise. What he didn’t understand and wanted to ask was what had happened that made Dean start treating him so differently. 

“Cas, I want to make it up to you.” Dean said before Cas could say anything. 

“Make what up to me?”

Dean let out a long breath and several minutes went by without either of them said a word. Cas knew Dean hated talking about feelings and things close to himself, but Cas wasn’t going to let him off the hook so he would just have to wait it out. 

“You’ve always been sure of yourself. You are able to keep an interesting conversation going and you don’t deserve the way I’ve treated you the last two and a half years.” Dean started. 

Cas’ heart was beating faster.

“I can keep asking you to forgive me, but I know I have to prove it to you. So I want to if you’ll let me, Cas.” Dean’s voice was soft and he turned his head to meet Cas’ eyes. 

Dean moved a little closer and his eyes were so big and so green it was impossible to look away. 

“You want to-” Cas took a deep breath and cleared his voice.

“I want to be with you, I want to give this marriage a real chance. If you want that too, Cas I know we could be good together if we just worked for it like a couple.” Dean said in a rumbling low voice that was finding its way deep into Cas. 

Cas’ heart was beating so hard he had a loud pulse in his ears. A real chance. Good together. Like a couple. Dean’s words were all screaming in his head.

He couldn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure what he should say and after a while Dean’s eyes grew concerned. 

“Say something.” He asked. 

“I… Um, I don’t know what to say.” Cas admitted and stared at Dean with wide eyes. 

“Yeah?” He breathed out with a nervous laugh.

“Is that because you want the same or that you are looking for a nice way to tell me you can’t do it?” Dean asked. 

“Do you really want that?” Cas whispered. 

“Yes. These last few days really made me see that. See what we could be, what we used to be. Don’t you want that too?”

Cas nodded with his eyes locked to Dean’s. 

A smile spread in Dean’s face before he leaned forward to meet Cas’ lips in a kiss. They were lying like that for a while kissing sweetly, then Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s back. Dean moved closer and pushed Cas down on his back before he came after and leaned down to kiss him for real. 

Dean was close to Cas with his elbows supporting his weight on each side of his head. Having him so close was almost intoxicating. Dean smelled so good, and he was all over him. One of his hands found their way into Cas’ hair as he deepened the kiss. His lips were full and wet and his tongue so soft it was enough to make Cas moan deep in his throat. 

That sound made Dean growl and push even closer and Cas almost zoned out for a moment when he felt an unmistakable hard cock pressing to his hip. Dean was biting his lower lip and Cas was panting embarrassingly hard. Dean let go of his lip and let his mouth trace down his jaw line and to his neck. Cas had one fist clinging to the sheets and the other buried in this man’s hair and he moaned louder when Dean kissed his collarbone and then started sucking at it. 

“Oh, Cas, you’re so damn hot. Fuck.” Dean breathed and lifted his head to look at Cas. His hair was a mess and his lips were swollen and glistening from kissing. Cas let out a long breath as Dean slowly lay back on the pillow and they both tried to calm themselves down. 

 

At night this was how they were together. During the day their lives weren’t all that different. Apart from actually spending some time together for breakfast and dinner they both were busy with work and friends. Then at night they found their way to the same room. Maybe they would just lie there talking about work or something one of them saw on the news, or sometimes Cas would give Dean an update on what his sister was up to and they got into a discussion about siblings. It felt so normal, but between them there was definitely something waiting. A tension was building and not the kind that they knew would be a fight. This time they were actually moving towards each other. 

It was there in the soft conversations over breakfast that still made Molly stop and watch them for a few more seconds. It was there in their smiles after a long day at work and in the way Dean would let a hand slide over Cas’ neck or squeeze his thigh and it was definitely there in their kisses. When Dean crowded his space and leaned in to kiss him. Sometimes it was sweet and short, other times they made out so hot and desperate Cas almost creamed his boxers completely untouched.

 

Cas was dressed in his dark jeans that hugged his butt so good Dean couldn’t stop looking at it when they left the house. They walked into a club together and Dean went straight for a table with a few people around. He seemed familiar to the place and with the people in it and Cas tried hard not to overthink it. 

It was the first time they went out together to something that wasn’t a formal event and Cas was a little nervous. Dean’s friends would be there but Dean insisted it was no big deal. They should just hang out and have a good time.

Dean’s friend looked up to greet them and all of them immediately zeroed in on Cas. He put up a smile and refused to follow his urge to hide behind Dean. Dean introduced him quickly and then they scooted over to make room for them at the table. Cas felt a little better as they sat down and he had Dean’s thigh press firm against his under the table.

Cas didn’t take long to realize that Dean was louder, more talkative with his friends. Not that he was quiet with Cas, but here he was in the center of attention and he was always making sure they were laughing. Cas didn’t think it was conscious, but if Dean felt awkward that’s what he did. He became the clown, but it seemed that his friends were used to him being like that, and they liked him for it. 

Beers and shots came to the table, all of them were talking over each other and Cas mostly just took it in. He didn’t say much unless he was spoken to, but it was okay. Dean was still sitting close to him and sometimes he would feel a hand squeezing his thigh lightly, like a confirmation that he was still there. 

The woman across the table was named Lisa. She had a teasing smile and soulful eyes. Cas was conflicted about her. Even with her smile and friendly talk, she still watched Cas and Dean carefully and Cas got the distinct feeling there was something between her and Dean. At least that there had been before. 

As the night went on they started moving around. Someone was playing dart at the back of the place, some was on the dancefloor but Cas decided to just stay where he was. Victor, one of Dean’s closest friends it seemed, sat there with him for a while and he was the only one really making an effort to get to know Cas. 

They all probably just wasn’t sure what to do, because they knew Dean were married, but had never really seen them together apart from formal settings. They knew how Dean was without Cas, and now all of a sudden, Cas was there with them. It freaked him out a little too, so he could understand them. 

Cas was a bit drunk when he walked over to Dean by the bar. He was talking to Lisa and some guy whose name Cas kept forgetting. He did have a sly smile and an attractive beard though. Cas didn’t walk up to Dean, instead he sat down next to Lisa, only she was sitting on a bar stool with her back to him. He was getting tired and a little drunk, so he leaned over the counter and got a bottle of water. That was when he suddenly heard what they were talking about. 

“You can’t be serious, going to fuckin’ Paris and you didn’t meet anyone. I’m not buying it, man.” The dark bearded man said looking expectantly at Dean. Dean hadn’t noticed that Cas was there, he couldn’t have, because Cas didn’t want him to talk like this when he listened and surely Dean wouldn’t want that either.

“Yeah, well. Believe it.”

“Dean we know you hooked up at least once, how else do you explain the picture you sent of that hot person asleep on your bed?” Lisa chimed in sounding teasing, but also a little jealous. 

Cas’ heart was beating and the hurt in his chest was just burning its way deep, deep inside. They hadn’t been friendly yet in Paris. They were still fighting then. Dean had said he wanted to try again, to give it a chance. That soft little chuckle he uttered now was indicating he knew what they talked about and Cas didn’t want to know what Dean’s answer was. 

Making a scene wasn’t his style, but Cas actually wished it was. He suddenly wanted to scream at Dean, make him embarrassed in front of his friends and everybody else in this place. He wanted to push him and say mean things, but most of all he wanted to feel those arms around him and his soft rumbling voice telling him it was nothing, that it didn’t matter. 

Instead he stood up silently and headed for the exit. Outside he had difficulties deciding what to do. He wanted to throw something. Hard. Against a wall. He needed to get back home but he wasn’t sure he was ready for that. 

These last days had been good, almost too good to be true. Cas should have known. The annoying thing was that it didn’t come as a surprise really, because Cas knew that Dean was a flirt. He was attractive and too sexy for his own good. He knew Dean hadn’t been walking around like a monk for these years. That had hurt, knowing he was sleeping with others, but they were only fighting and so Cas had expected that or at least tried to. What Dean also was, was loyal, and that was probably what hurt right now. Since their talk the other night where Dean said he wanted this, he wanted to be with Cas and Cas expected him to be loyal to him, exclusive. So why did he act like he hadn't said all that to Cas? 

Cas knew Dean hadn’t been out with anyone since they came home, so he shouldn’t get that angry, but it was the way Dean was talking about it. He wanted Dean to be loyal in that manner too. To respect that Cas was there, and put the past behind him. Because Cas thought he may be able to look past some of his infidelities from the time when they lived in the house like strangers, but he wouldn’t be able to now. Not after he had gotten just a tiny taste of what it could be like with Dean if they started being together like a married couple, like people believed they already were.


	15. Promises

Cas eventually calmed down enough to decide he should just go get a cab. It wasn’t like Dean would miss him badly if he left. Cas dragged a hand through his messy hair and sighed. God, did it sting in his chest. Life with Dean was one hell of a roller coaster. One moment they were dancing around each other, flirting and touching. The next he was standing out here with hurt and anger in his chest.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean was suddenly there behind him and Cas whirled around to stare at his wary eyes. 

“I’m sorry. Crowley told me you walked out of there. I didn’t know-“

“I know you weren’t aware I was there.” Cas interrupted him low and angry. 

“Yeah, well if you had-“

“No, Dean. I heard you talking and I just don’t need that. Just a few days ago you said you wanted us to work at this. How could you do that?”

“Cas, I still want that.”

“Sure, and you also want to go out in the weekends to find someone to hook up with. I won’t agree to that! I can’t do it!” Cas spat angrily and desperation was clear there beneath it all. He wanted to throw his fists at Dean, but he kept them to his sides and glared at him instead. Dean came closer. 

“I’m not going out with someone else on the weekends.” He said a lot calmer than Cas and that was annoying as hell.

“Right, I’m not blind. That Lisa girl was practically drooling all over you.” Cas hissed. Dean let a hand run through his hair and he opened his mouth to say something but Cas cut him off.

“I need to know, Dean. I need to know now if you can’t do it. If this is going to work even a little bit you have to respect me! I have to know you really care.” Cas swallowed. He was NOT going to cry. This was him stating the facts, telling Dean what he needed. If he started crying then nothing would be taken seriously.

“I do respect you, Cas.”

Cas looked away from him. 

“I heard you telling your friends about whoever you met in Paris. It’s none of my business, I guess, but I can’t listen to that, Dean. I don’t want to, not if we’re going to try and make this work!” Cas said loud. Dean’s eyes became dark with anger and he moved forward until Cas was pressed against the wall. He slammed his hands on each side of Cas’ head and Cas sucked in a surprised breath. 

“And if you hadn’t run off like some jealous girl, you would have heard me telling them it was my husband who was sleeping in my bed. And you would have heard that I told them to get off my back.” Dean practically growled at Cas, their eyes locked dark and hard on each other. Dean had called him a girl, and they were fighting again, but this was a different kind of fight. A fight with their real feelings involved making them both vibrating with tension. 

“I’m not a girl.” Cas muttered looking up at Dean through his lashes. 

“So you’re simply jealous then?” Dean’s eyes wrinkled in humor, he lifted a hand to stroke Cas’ cheek gently and stepped closer making his chest press against Cas’, then he felt Dean’s hips against his own before a hot mouth was covering his lips. Dean pressed him hard against the cold brick wall but Cas barely noticed. All he could feel was Dean who was almost as hard as the brick wall. Dean was pressed impossible close as he kissed Cas, hard and intense. His tongue finding its way inside his mouth, pushing against Cas’. Dean’s hands were everywhere and he made this slow grind with his hips that had Cas gasping in matter of seconds. 

Cas couldn’t believe how easy he was. One second he was mad at Dean, with good reason. The next he was like this, opening up to the man, letting him in and giving everything he had. 

“You’re so damn hot when you’re mad. You wanna go back home?” Dean whispered into his ear before catching his lobe between his teeth, biting into it and having Cas jumping at the sudden pain. Dean chuckled as their bodies pressed close and breathed dirty into his ear.

Cas couldn’t say anything and Dean kept up the delicious torture. Kissing, biting and sucking his way down Cas’ neck, then up again to his ear. Cas was practically writhing between Dean and the wall.

“Cas, gotta tell me, do you want to head back home?”

Cas was standing with his head against the wall and he could only nod to make Dean understand what he wanted. Dean kissed his lips one last time and grabbed his hand to drag him into the street to get a cab.

 

Back at the house they stumbled into Dean’s room together. Both of them panting hard and tugging at each other’s clothes in a struggle to undress. They didn’t let go of each other. Cas’ shirt fell to the floor and Dean was there again kissing him wet and sloppy, then he did the same as his own shirt fell. Dean ended up taking off his own pants and Cas followed his example. 

Cas felt shy when all that was left was his boxers. Dean didn’t waste time and smirked at Cas as he guided him into bed. Dean’s lips were back on him again and so were his hands. It didn’t take long for Cas to get into it and their kisses were desperate and eager as they tried to get closer. 

He was naked before he knew it and when he felt Dean’s naked dick press against his thigh something happened inside. It was like the alcohol and his lust worked together to make Cas lose it. Dean was naked next to him and all of a sudden he acted like he was a starved man. He forgot his inhibitions and pushed himself up on his knees as he kissed his way down Dean’s chest and tummy. He licked and sucked his nipples, but now that he was there he was almost desperate to get a taste of his leaking cock. 

Dean’s stomach was rising and sinking rapidly as he panted heavily. Cas let his hands come down and stroke over his hip bones and Dean jerked forward at the touch. His heavy leaking cock jumped and slapped down on his tummy and Cas’ mouth watered. 

He couldn’t help but look up at Dean as he bent down and licked a stripe up the length of it and Dean groaned loud and let his head fall back against the pillows. His hands found Cas’ head, but he was simply holding them there. A moment later he lifted his head again and stared down at Cas. When his warm tongue came out to lick slowly up the length again Dean sighed long. 

“God, that is good.” Dean growled. 

Cas let his eyes fall down then, to look at that hard cock. It was long, but it was so thick Cas couldn’t stop thinking about what it would feel like to have it pushing inside. He swallowed hard and wrapped a hand around it to lift it up so he could put his lips over the head. Dean was shaking and Cas stroked his hip with the other hand almost to soothe him. 

As Cas took him into his mouth and sank down Dean let out a string of curses in between heavy breathing. 

“God, yeah that fucking mouth. Damn it, Cas.” 

Cas pulled back up almost all the way, letting his tongue play around the head before he pushed down again. He started bobbing up and down and Dean’s grip in his hair tightened and his thighs spread to give Cas more room. 

Dean pressed his head back against the pillows and when Cas looked up all he could see was a sharp jaw line and his heaving chest. God, it was sexy seeing Dean fall apart like this. Cas couldn’t have imagined it no matter how hard he tried. The power of being able to make Dean into an incoherent mess was intoxicating. 

Cas let his hand find its way up to Dean’s nipples and when he pinched it hard his hips jerked and he lifted his head to stare down at Cas. 

“Fuck, Cas, I’m not gonna last. Come on, you got to pull off.” Dean warned before he sighed and his head fell back hard. 

“Cas.” Dean sounded urgent but Cas just kept sucking him off with even more energy. He pushed down as far as he could get, until his nose was buried in Dean’s dark curls and he could hear Dean cursing and struggle to hold back. Cas was determined to make Dean let go, he lifted his eyes again looking up to meet Dean’s green eyes staring wide at him. Cas pinched his nipple hard and sucked his cheeks in while letting his tongue stroke the underside of his cock and he knew Dean was gone. His hands shook and his hips were jerking and then he flooded hot and heavy down Cas’ throat. Cas didn’t let go until Dean started softening and then Dean pulled him up to kiss him. 

“You really do swallow.” Dean huffed between kisses and Cas smirked back at him remembering a shirt he had been wearing a long time ago. 

Cas hadn’t meant for Dean to return anything, but Dean had his hands on him just then. His dick was achingly hard making him almost oversensitive to any touch. Dean’s hands were hot and confident where they roamed over his body. 

Dean had his lips around him before he could muster up a protest, and by then he knew there wasn’t long before he would be gone. Just from touching Dean Cas had been close to coming. Finally having that big heavy cock in his mouth and listening to the sounds Dean made. It was hot and Cas had been thinking about it for too long and now that it finally had happened he was doing his best to not come too fast. 

Dean’s full lips were stretched around him and Cas just couldn’t take his eyes away. Dean was working him perfectly and Cas was breathing in short heaves. Dean’s hand was fondling his balls and even if he knew what happened he was surprised when there was a slick finger pressing against his hole. Cas jumped and then he tensed and stilled almost completely. 

A hot blush settled in his face and Cas wanted to turn around when Dean slipped off his hard cock with a loud pop in the quiet room. Cas barely dared to breathe and he didn’t look directly at him, but he knew Dean was watching him carefully. 

Why had he reacted like that? It wasn’t like Dean had done something he shouldn’t. Not really. It was all because of Cas. Because of his overreaction. Well, and it also was because Cas, he was technically a virgin. At least like this. Nobody had ever touched him like that, nobody except himself. Cas had been fooling around with a few guys before, but he had never gone all the way. And right now he had probably been giving his secret away just like that, because he hadn’t been prepared for it, for what it would feel like to have someone else touch him like that. 

“Cas, you alright?”

“Yeah. ‘m fine.” He said fast, almost out of breath and covered his eyes with an arm. 

“You sure?”

Cas nodded and felt Dean moving on the bed. 

“Hey. Look at me.” Dean placed a warm comforting hand on Cas’ cheek, but didn’t force him to turn his head. Cas moved his hand up to his forehead slowly and met Dean’s eyes. He was looking at Cas confused and worried. 

“You sure you’re fine? I don’t want to do anything you’re not up for.” Dean assured and Cas took a deep breath. God, this was embarrassing. 

“Really just forget about it.” Cas said quietly. He wasn’t sure if Dean knew why he had reacted like he had and he wasn’t up for that talk right now with his cock hard and his heart beating too fast. 

Dean stared at him for a long moment until he pushed up again and looked down at Cas’ cock. 

“You still want me to…?” Dean licked his lips and Cas breathed out a yes. 

“You’ll tell me if there’s something you don’t want me to do, right?”

“Yes, Dean. I will tell you.” Cas raised his head and looked intently at Dean and he chuckled a little before turning his attention back to his aching length. 

Dean kissed the head and let his tongue play around it before he finally took him into his mouth again. Cas let go of his distracting thoughts and was lying there enjoying the good feeling of Dean’s lips and tongue. 

Dean didn’t touch Cas again even if he would have wanted him to do so. He didn’t ask for it and Cas had been painfully hard for long enough to be ready to come any second. Cas was breathing fast again, hands balled to fists in the sheets and his legs spread wide to make Dean come closer. 

“Come on, Cas, wanna feel you come.” Dean panted before he swallowed Cas down again and worked him harder than before and Cas grunted before he tensed up and came hard. He felt Dean moan around him and it sent a vibration through his body. 

Cas was tired and he felt Dean fall down next to him and they were both catching their breaths in silence. 

“Cas-“ Dean began but Cas turned his back to him. 

“If you ask if I’m fine I’m going to go sleep in my room tonight.” He growled. After a while he heard Dean turning around to sleep himself. A soft whisper of ‘good night’ came from that end and Cas answered with an equally soft whisper. 

 

Cas woke early the next morning with a bad taste in his mouth but feeling loose in his body knowing it had everything to do with what they had done last night. 

Dean was still dead to the world so Cas made his way out of the room as quietly as possible and headed for the shower in his own room. He noticed hickeys on his collarbone and he stared at them for a while. Last night had been… good. There was no doubt about that. Cas had wanted to get into bed with Dean since the first time he started looking at guys like that when he was thirteen. But once again they hadn’t really talked out the stuff that was making pressure between them. 

After his shower Cas dressed in clothes for work and headed into the kitchen for some breakfast. Molly had a few weeks off to visit her sister and so they would have to make their own food for a while. Cas didn’t mind as he started mixing some eggs and milk that he poured into a hot pan. 

Coffee, eggs and toast were ready by the time Dean came into the room. 

“You’re up early.”

“Yeah, gotta get to work.”

“Don’t they have students working there on the weekends?” Dean nodded thanks when Cas placed a plate in front of him. Cas shrugged his shoulders and turned to make a plate for himself. 

Cas intended to eat fast and he didn’t really engage in a conversation with Dean or look at him. Apart from the radio talking or playing music there was not much else between them. Cas cleaned his plate in a hurry and stood up to place it in the sink. He poured some more coffee in his cup and was about to head out of the room when Dean spoke. 

“Cas?”

“Huh?” He turned halfway around making it clear that he didn’t intend to stay and chat. 

“When are you back from work?” Dean asked. 

“Not sure. I finish around five I think.” Cas told him. 

 

At work Cas had time to think. He sorted books in right order and by the correct author. He barely noticed when someone spoke to him because he was busy thinking through everything that had happened last night. By the end of the day he was angry with Dean, because he was sure he had done it on purpose to distract him. 

Instead of heading home he called Charlie who agreed to meet him for a beer. 

“What’s up?” She asked as she sat down across from Cas. He had already ordered her favorite beer and she took a sip as she looked expectantly at her friend. 

“Nothing much. Work was real quiet, just a few students trying to finish their papers and a couple of children.” Cas told her. 

Charlie was good at reading Cas. For a while she entertained his small talk about absolutely nothing, but she eventually had enough and cut to the chase. 

“So tell me why you really wanted me to meet you here?”

“Can’t I have a beer with you without an explanation?” He asked a little offended. 

“Sure you do. After being out with Dean’s friends and your restlessness you can’t.” She insisted. 

Cas just rolled his eyes and lifted his glass. Charlie still got him to talk about it by asking the right questions. And after almost an embarrassingly short time she had pried it all from him. Well, almost everything. 

“So now you’re fighting again?” Charlie asked and looked tired. “God, when are you two going to wake up and notice what’s really going on?”

“Like what?”

“Like that you are married and you should at least give it a shot. I swear, if you two would stop butting heads you would be great together.”

Cas was about to tell her when his phone called. It didn’t take long for him to realize Dean was mad at him for not coming home after finishing up work. He even said he had made dinner, so Cas almost felt a little bad, but he promised he would be home shortly. 

“See? You two are like a damn married couple; why not really start living like you are?”

 

Cas came through the door and smelled spices and bacon. He walked into the kitchen and found Dean sitting there with two homemade burgers on the island and several bottles of beer in front of him. 

“Glad you could make it.” Dean said sarcastically.

Cas walked further into the room and sat down quietly across form Dean. 

“You could have told me you were making dinner.” Cas said and Dean nodded with a humorless smile. 

“Sure, yeah, I could have done that. Then I would have ruined the surprise, no biggie.” He snapped and Cas felt an aching in his chest for having been the reason for all of this. This wasn’t what he expected, not at all. 

“I thought after last night we were getting closer to figuring this out. Obviously I was wrong. You made an effort to not stay in the same room as me for very long this morning, didn’t you?”

Cas rubbed his lips together and stared down on the delicious and perfectly made burger in front of him. 

“That’s what I thought. What was that about?”

Cas chewed on the inside of his cheek and still didn’t meet Dean’s eyes. 

“Tell me Cas! You want to work on a relationship you have to talk to me.” Dean said. 

“You distracted me!” Cas said and the sound of his voice was louder than he had intended. Dean’s eyebrows lifted in surprise.

“What? How?”

“Last night. One moment we were having a fight, and the next I was pushed against that wall.”

“Oh, right, and you were so opposed to it, is that it?”

“No, I’m saying we’re not able to talk about the problems that come up. Last night we had a fight that turned into… you know, something else.”

“Yeah, well in my opinion last night was exactly what we needed.”

“Because then you didn’t have to deal with the fight.”

Dean rubbed the back of his head. 

“Why do you want to fight over this? I know we still have things to talk about. But we were both drunk and horny, so I’m not taking back what happened.”

“So you did it on purpose? Distracted me I mean?” Cas asked and picked up a fries from the pile on his plate. 

“No, I didn’t. You know just as well as me it just happened.”

“I don’t care about that, Dean. What I care about is the way you just let that girl all over you, and that you talked to your friends about what you do in private. No not talked, bragged! I was right there, and yet you just didn’t care.”

“I didn’t know!”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it doesn’t. It only lets me know that you don’t really want to try and make this work. That you still want to live like a bachelor jumping from one bed to the other.”

Dean pushed a hand through his hair and he took deep breaths before saying something. 

“I don’t do that anymore.” Dean tried. 

“Well, if you can’t stop thinking and talking about it, then you practically do.” Cas said looking tired. He picked up another one of the fried potatoes and chewed on them without tasting anything. 

“Is that what you think?”

“Dean it’s what you’ve always done. I’m not stupid. The two years I have lived here you haven’t been really shy about it, and I can only imagine how many beds you’ve been to. Is it really that surprising I’m a bit… that I’m not really sure what to expect?” Cas knew his voice was shaking, because it hurt like a bitch talking about it, but he knew they had to. At least Dean had the decency to look ashamed.

“I realize that I’ve not been a very good husband. That’s what I want to work on. And you have to believe me, I really do want that.” Dean stared down at his plate with half of a burger. A sure sign this wasn’t easy. Dean could eat under practically any circumstances. 

“You haven’t even been a husband, Dean. And if I’m going to stay in this I can’t… Dean I need to know that you really want it, and isn’t looking for somebody else.” 

“I’m not looking for anyone else, Cas. You were right, we used to be friends, real friends, and I really like you. You’re strong and adventures, you are kind to people no matter what and you care about the small things. And damn, you’re fuckin’ hot. I know you and me could work.” Dean had walked around to stand next to Cas and he placed his hands on Cas’ shoulders.

“But… I don’t know if I am all that. If you’d rather want someone else I need to know now. Because I can’t live a lie anymore. And I'm not going to get into anything if you let me go when someone comes along and gives you a better offer.” Cas whispered and looked up at Dean. Dean leaned forward until their foreheads touched. 

“I promise you now, Cas. I don’t want anyone else. I want you. And I know it’s a cliché, but if I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, that’s what I’m gonna do.” Dean spoke softly and Cas couldn’t help the lump rising in his throat. 

Dean stroked his cheeks and kissed his forehead and nose over and over. 

“Don’t cry.” Dean whispered. 

“’m not.” Cas whispered hoarsely, forcing down a sob and he felt Dean’s body shake in a chuckle as he was pulled close to that firm chest. 

For a long time they just held on to each other. Dean pressed Cas to his chest and they were breathing softly together until Cas’ fingers weren’t clinging that hard to the back of his shirt. Dean nuzzled his hair a few more times before pulling away to look at him. 

“I really am sorry, Cas. And I promise I will get better. To really work on this with you.” The intensity and honesty in his face was clear and Cas nodded slowly. 

Dean placed a kiss on the side of his mouth and Cas lifted one side of his lips in a sad smile. He still had a lump in his throat so big it hurt and he knew his eyes were shining, but he was going to keep it together and he was going to give Dean a chance. 

“You ready to eat some bacon cheeseburgers al a Dean?” Dean asked and dragged his own plate across the counter so he could sit down next to Cas. They ate in a new kind of peace, a quiet that was warm and tentative. 


	16. Belong with you

Cas felt rested the next morning. The bed was warm and he was buried down under the covers and behind him he had a warm body pressing against his back. There was no alarm ringing to make him wake up early and he could smell the summer coming from the open window across the room. An arm snaked around him, pulling him closer and then there was a nose sniffing and wet lips brushing his neck.

“Good morning, Dean.” Cas huffed and felt Dean’s lips pull up into a smile.

“You’re really sleeping in this morning?”

“You got a comfy bed.”

Dean laughed. “I know. Especially now that I’ve got to share it with you.”

Cas wanted to roll his eyes at how cheesy that sounded but he couldn’t stop the wide grin that found its way into his face instead.

“I’ve already made coffee. You want me to go get it?”

“Do we get to see the garden if we open the curtains?” Cas asked and Dean got out of bed and opened them to show him. Cas pulled his pillows up behind his back and sat up against the headboard.

The garden was something Cas had been working on since he had been alone a lot of the time. Dean had a gardener coming by once a week to mow the lawn and fix up inside, but Cas had control over the flowers. He planted them, watered them and cared for them like they were his children. He loved everything about it and it was easy to forget his own troubles for a moment when he was out there.

He sat there watching the neatly trimmed hedge around the garden; his flowers were patches of light and color in all of the green. There was birds flying around or hiding in the branches and there was butterflies fluttering around like they wanted to be a part of the colors around them.

Dean came back inside with a tray filled with coffee cups, bowls of fresh berries and a chocolate.

“Breakfast is served.” He said and found his way back under the covers with Cas.

“This looks really good.” Cas reached for the coffee and sipped the strong brew. He ate some of the berries while they talked about the garden and Dean said he appreciated how great it looked. They split the chocolate and ate it with the rest of the coffee and Dean put the tray down on the floor.

“What do you want to do today?”

“It’s my day off; I’m usually in the kitchen.” Cas smiled.

“Yeah? What were you planning on making today?”

“Hadn’t thought about it yet.”

Dean brought a hand up to his face to turn it towards him and leaned in for a kiss.

“How about we just spend the day doing nothing?”

“How’s that going to work?” Cas lifted his eyebrows.

Last night after they went to bed they had been lying close, kissed each other softly and being intimate and just enjoying each other. They never even took off their shirts and still, the night had been perfect. He fell asleep with Dean’s arms around him and his face pressed to his chest listening to his breathing.

It seemed like they woke up feeling refreshed. Dean was clearly bursting with energy, but he also wanted to be there, with Cas.

They finished their coffee and Cas padded barefoot into the bathroom to use the toilet and brush his teeth. When he got back out Dean was still in bed and his stereo played soft music in the background.

“Hey, Cas, can I ask you something?”

“Mmm?” Cas stopped but Dean made him come back to bed and he fell down into the soft pillows with a laugh.

“You know that night we came back here. I want to know what I did to make you freeze.” Dean let a hand run through Cas’ dark hair. Cas refused to meet his eyes.

“I told you, it was nothing.” Cas tried to dismiss it but he knew the warm feeling creeping into his cheeks was just as easy to spot.

“You really think I’m going to let it go like that?” Dean asked and made a firm nudge to Cas’ side.

“Well, then I don’t want to talk about it.” He muttered and tried to sit up.

“Will you at least tell me if I did something that hurt you?”

“What?! No, of course not.”

“You’re just making me more confused here.”

Cas sat up and stared out the window. He knew he should tell him. He just didn’t know how he hadn’t realized it himself. He shook his head a little and moved forward so Dean couldn’t see his face as he spoke.

“I was just… not prepared. It’s silly I know. But I didn’t really want to talk to you about it. You’ve probably done it all and here I am some fucking virgin who jumps out of bed at the first touch.”

Dean was quiet behind him for a long time. Sitting there without saying a word or moving a muscle and Cas was dying to know what was going through his mind. He didn’t have the courage to look at him so he just waited.

“You’re tell me you’ve never- I mean… what about Balthazar, and that stripper who left all of those marks on you. I thought that meant…”

“Well, I didn’t.”

“But…”

“I couldn’t. We were fooling around a little, but… I don’t know, it never felt right. It always felt like I was cheating on you.” Cas whispered and fiddled with the covers in his hands.

“Cas… I’m so sorry.”

“What? For me?”

“No. Because of everything I’ve put you through. I gave you every reason to just move on and get involved with someone decent and you still didn’t.”

“I made a promise, Dean, and even if we were only married because of a contract, to me it meant I couldn’t just do that.”

Dean watched him a long time with eyes dark with guilt.

“How- I don’t… I mean, how can you still be here with me? To actually want that knowing what I’ve done. Cas, I-” Dean looked distressed as he sat up on the bed and pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose.

“I promised to be your husband. Then we weren’t even speaking so for a while I pretended we weren’t really married, and then I buried myself in work and studies, so I didn’t have to watch it all. I felt a little bad for you because I knew how confused you were. You just didn’t want my help.”

“Yeah it doesn’t explain why you didn’t go out to have some fun of your own.” Dean stood up from the bed and started walking back and forth at the end of the bed and Cas folded his legs up Indian style while watching him.

“I don’t know Dean. I guess I’m not that smart.” Cas sighed.

“How can you be so calm? You’ve been living with me for almost three years knowing I was cheating on you practically the entire time.”

Cas swallowed.

“Charlie use to say the same, but how are you cheating on me when we don’t even have a relationship in the first place?”

“Because we’re married! We’re married, Cas!” Dean pushed both hands through his hair with a look in his eyes like he just now realized what that actually meant. Cas thought that maybe it was the case here. Maybe Dean never really believed any of it was real or he just didn’t let himself think about it. Cas stood up in his knees and reached over to grab Dean’s wrists.

“Dean, look at me. We can do this, right? You told me last night, you promised you were going to work with me.” Cas tried to stay calm.

Dean shook his head.

“I can’t… I- no. You-you’re innocent and too good to be true, and I shouldn’t keep you here anymore. Keep fucking up like this.”

“No, Dean. You can’t walk away from this. You promised last night, and I need you to keep that promise?” Cas sounded more firm.

“Why?”

“Because, Dean. I want you to. I made a choice, and I chose you. The good and the bad, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Just promise me you won’t do that anymore.”

“I promise, Cas. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I promise I will work hard to keep it. Promise.” Dean whispered the last part and staggered closer to the bed. His eyes still raw with emotion.

“I still can’t believe you stayed for all this time.” Dean said as he sat back down on the bed.

“Guess I’m just stupid.” Cas muttered with a little smile when Dean wrapped his arms around him.

“We both know who’s the stupid one in this relationship, Cas. You’re not even nominated.” Dean kissed his neck slowly and warm, Cas couldn’t help but lean into the touch.

 

** Two and a half years later **

They had talked about what they wanted to do when the five years were up. When the years written in the contract had come and gone and they could do whatever they wanted.

After they decided to really go through with it and work on the relationship there had been ups and downs, but none of them ever talked about backing out.

Cas had finished his degree and gotten a part time job at the university and in the end of each semester he was buried in work and Dean was grumpy that Cas left papers, pens and half empty coffee cups all over the place.

They had moved into the same room together and Cas’ old room served as a guestroom and sometimes Cas would use it to get some quiet for grading papers.

Molly hummed and was happy there was so much more life in the house these days. That had happened gradually. Dean and Cas spent a lot more time together at home, and instead of heading out they invited their friends to come over. Sometimes friends came over for a game in the swimming pool, or they would fire up the grill to make burgers and Cas would serve pie or decorated cupcakes that Dean kept teasing him about. Dean and Cas’ friends had gotten to know each other and in the middle were Dean and Cas, now a steady couple.

It hadn’t always been like that. To begin with Cas was always tense when Dean said some of his friends would come over. Cas promised himself he wouldn’t be jealous, but there he was, keeping watch when Lisa came through that door with a sleazy grin and her tight tops that rode up her back and showed everything in front. Cas couldn’t stand her even if he knew Dean didn’t want her like that.

The worst had been realizing that cute little dorky friend of Sam that Dean had history with. It turned out it hadn’t been much, but Cas couldn’t help that looking at that dark haired smart guy he thought about Dean with him, and somehow that hurt even more than Lisa. Because why hadn’t Dean come to him instead of getting it on with Kevin who was too young for him anyway. After everyone had left that night they had been fighting bad until Cas went to sleep in the guest room. He woke the morning after with Dean’s arms wrapped tight around him saying he was sorry.

Kevin still bothered Cas if he was totally honest, but he tolerated him at least. Dean wouldn’t let him think about it too much, and sometimes when they came over Dean would pull Cas closer and whisper something in his ear. Even if Cas knew he did it to show Cas and maybe Kevin how things were now he still appreciated it.

 

So they talked about what they wanted to do. Dean said they should take a few weeks off and go on a vacation, maybe sleep in the wild, or swim with sharks, but Cas just rolled his eyes and said he didn’t want anything special.

“I could have liked a weekend with just you and me in this house. Peace and quiet, nothing else.”

Dean looked at him for a long time and eventually he nodded.

“Then that’s what’s we gonna do.” He said.

When the weekend of their fifth anniversary arrived there was nobody else in the house. There was a guard by the gate, but it wasn’t like they would know he was there unless somebody wanted to come inside.

It was fall so the school year had only just started and Cas was actually quite busy, but he promised he wouldn’t do anything these days. Instead they woke up late, opened the curtains to see that it was raining outside so they made breakfast that they brought back to the bed where they watched TV while eating.

Dean headed into the shower and Cas joined him shortly after that. Dean grinned to Cas who stepped under the spray and they shared lazy kisses that soon progressed into deeper kisses and wandering hands. By the time they were out of the shower both of them were satisfied and relaxed from mutual hand jobs under the water.

 

They had three days all to themselves. Dean had banned Sam from even calling and he had only raised his hands disarmingly and chuckled. He had become close friends with Cas and somehow Dean and Charlie really seemed to get along. They could have long discussions about a movie or they sat playing a game in the middle of the night yelling at each other until Cas came out from having been asleep and threatened them to turn off the game or he would go pull the plug.

In these three days they enjoyed only each other. Both of them slept more than they had done in a long time, they rolled from the bed to the shower and then they spent hours in the kitchen baking together.

That was something they had taken to do. Dean had started just being in the kitchen, talking while Cas was baking, then he started asking about what he was making. From there it wasn’t long until he wanted to be in on the fun.

Saturday was mostly spent in the kitchen. They were both wearing t-shirts and sweatpants, both dusted with flour and had sugar in their faces. As they sat down to eat their chocolate caramel pie they sat down Indian style with their backs leaning against the couch as they watched TV.

“Sorry, forgot the wine.” Cas was up on his feet again and scrambled around in the kitchen to get glasses and the corkscrew. He came back with two glasses the bottle under his arm and the corkscrew in his pocket.

Dean had turned the TV off and turned to face Cas instead.

“I really thought we would be spending this day differently, our… I don’t know, when the contract didn’t matter anymore. I know it hasn’t for a while, but you know what I mean.” Dean looked down on his plate with the pie and waited while Cas filled their glasses.

“Would you rather we’d gone away somewhere?” Cas tasted the wine and sighed happily.

“I’m happy right here. Just thought maybe you wanted to celebrate with a trip or something.”

“Yeah, I did too for a while, but I’m happy here as well.” He leaned forward and placed a kiss on Dean’s cheek.

“That’s good.” Dean nodded more to himself than to Cas.

“I actually think it’s great. In the last two years I’ve really learned to appreciate what is there in front of me. And to be able to have a good time right here, on the floor with the two things I enjoy the most, pie and you.” Dean said his voice unusually soft and Cas was a little overwhelmed by the fact that Dean was talking to him directly about feelings. He had only ever done that when he was forced to, so he could clear up their misunderstandings in the past.

“Dean, this really is the best way to spend time with someone.” Cas wasn’t sure if he needed to say that, if Dean needed the comfort.

“You taught me that already when we were teenagers. The way we could spend hours on the hood of the impala, looking over the city talking about this and that. I can’t believe we still do that.” Dean grabbed one of Cas’ hands.

“Yeah, we’re pretty good at that, don’t you think?” Cas smiled wide. Dean returned it before he took Cas’ glass out of his hand.

“I told you how I wanted to do something special for our anniversary?”

Cas nodded.

“But I should have known you didn’t require much. You’ve always been good at appreciating the smaller things. For once though I would really like to make it a little bigger, since it’s not like any other Saturday even if it seems like it.”

“Dean?” Cas tilted his head.

They were sitting on the floor with lukewarm pie beside them, glasses of wine and they weren’t even dressed nice. Their hands were tangled and both of them were leaning forward slightly. Cas felt one of their hands untangle and then there was a small little box replacing Dean’s hand and Cas looked down with his heart beating loud in his chest.

“Cas, would you do me the honor of continuing to be my husband? To be my best friend and only lover for as long as we’re here.”

“Dean.” Cas whispered.

He sat there with that little blue velvet box in his hands. Dean opened the lid and inside were a beautiful band in brushed silver and with a thin polished line carved in the middle. Cas looked up into Dean’s green hopeful eyes and he smiled even as he felt a tear roll down his cheek.

“Will you, Cas? Will you keep being next to me, point out my stupid mistakes, tell me about bees or constellations in the sky and let me warm your feet in the night. You’re smart and innocent and sometimes hard on me, which I obviously need, and I want it to be us, together for as long as we’ll have each other.” Dean talked slow and soft, his hands were shaking slightly, but his voice steady and clear. Cas felt another few tears find their way down his face and he cleared his voice.

“Yes, Dean. I want to be your husband, friend and lover. I love you, Dean. And this day is the best day in my entire life, all thanks to you.” Cas’ voice was heavy with feelings and he could only look down as Dean picked the ring from the little box and grabbed Cas’ hand.

They hadn’t been wearing rings before because it never seemed right, and Cas never really thought about it. Now that Dean pushed the cool heavy band carefully down his finger he felt like he finally had what he didn’t know he wanted. Dean had actually gone out to buy him a ring and if that wasn’t a declaration he didn’t know what was. Dean had always been the type to show what he felt instead of talking about it.

Cas sat there for a long time looking at his hand. The way the pretty band looked like it belonged there. It fit him perfectly and he touched it again and again to make sure it was really there. When he looked up Dean was already watching him with green warm eyes.

“Thank you, Dean. It’s really beautiful.” Cas said and reached out to kiss him, on his lips, his cheeks, his eyes and forehead.

 

Neither of them wanted to renew their vows or anything so that ring didn’t really change anything. Except it did. For Cas at least. That ring reminded him that Dean really had chosen him. That he wanted to have Cas in his life, and not just like a friend or someone to back him up, but like an actual partner. Dean never uttered the words but Cas still felt them from being given the ring, and in the way they made love that night. He felt loved.

Dean had eventually grown up, learning his way around a real relationship, one that he wanted to be in. And if anything that was what Cas had always wanted. Wanted Dean to want him because of who he was and really wanting him because he actually liked Cas. Cas felt lucky that he had gotten this man who so far was keeping his promise; he was spending every day trying to make it up to him for their wrong start.

It wasn’t about the big things. Even if they eventually started sharing their money like it was no big deal and traveled a lot around the world, that wasn’t something Cas really needed. What he wanted was the little things. Sometimes it was when Dean surprised him with dinner at home, on Valentine’s Day when he poured red color in the pool making the water glow pink, or when he had bought him flowers. Some nights they could take out the impala and drive just out of the city and sit down on the hood and have a great time just looking up into the sky. Cas didn’t really put it all on that ring, but it definitely had made all that clear to him. That he was Dean’s husband in the ways that mattered and Dean was feeling the same. That was all he ever asked for; Being together feeling like that was where they belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it then, the end of Cas and Dean's crazy run to an understanding of each other. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading this story, commenting and throwing kudos my way. I hope you enjoyed it till the end ! Thanks peeps <3


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